And at center, number 42...

Unfortunately, Morehead State beat Alabama State in today's play-in game, which means that we will not be seeing any more of ASU's center, Grlenntys Chief Kickingstallionsims. As tempted as you are to figure that there must be only one Grylenntys Chief Kickingstallionsims in the entire world, you would be wrong! There is another, and it's his dad. You'd think that the one person who would know about the difficulty of having a name like that would want to spare his son the same trauma, but I guess not. Then again, it's not as bad as "Eugene."

His mom's name is Barbara Paulson, if you're wondering. I know I was.

Stewart v. Cramer

I usually don't blog about things like this (let's leave the punditry to the Huffington Post), but I'm watching Jon Stewart's interview with Jim Cramer, and all I have to say is "wow." Jon is really turning the screws on Jim (who admittedly has been uncharacteristically gracious to this point). I wonder if he knew that he was going to be walking into a minefield. He couldn't have possibly thought that he could exonerate himself--or could he?

Anyway, it's nice to see someone asking some tough questions, and from a comedian, no less! If Jon Stewart killed Crossfire, I hope he can also kill CNBC. If the current crisis has taught us anything, it's that we need to start questioning all the assumptions we've been making about finance and compliance and accounting and human nature and all sorts of things we've always believed were true, or at the very least, benign. The LAST thing the world needs right now is another sycophant like Erin Burnett or Maria Bartiromo. Or that guy who interviewed Allen Stanford, can't remember his name right now...

Perennially Overdrafted Guys

Every year I see these guys drafted way sooner than they should be (in fact, I picked one of them):

Ichiro - This kills me, because Ichiro is my favorite player. But I have never once had the chance to acquire him, because he ALWAYS goes much higher than he should. I've even seen him picked in the second round! He's done some incredible things in his career, but that doesn't really change the fact that he's basically Juan Pierre with a little more power and a higher batting average but fewer steals.

Jon Papelbon - Was the 25th(!) pick in one of my leagues last year. Outside of the questionable decision of devoting an early third round pick to a guy who's not even going make a huge impact on the bottom line with a paltry 70 innings of work, I daresay ANYONE who picks a closer this early has neither the resulting team nor the brains to succeed that year. Verily, it came to pass.

Barry Zito - Look, I know the guy won a Cy Young and banged Alyssa Milano, but that was like ages ago. (Who in the league didn't bang Alyssa Milano? I wonder if it was weird when Brad Penny was being caught by Russell Martin, that should have been super awkward. "Hey, throw a fastball inside. Oh, and thanks for the burning sensation when I pee.")

Derek Jeter - At this point in his career, he's pretty much Placido Polanco, only a very expensive Placido Polanco.

Michael Young - At this point in his career, he's pretty much Placido Polanco, only a pretty expensive Placido Polanco.

Freddy Sanchez - At this point in his career, he's pretty much Placido Polanco, only a slightly expensive Placido Polanco.

Promotional considerations for this blog post provided in part by: Placido Polanco

5 Fantasy Managers I Don't Particularly Care For

5. The Hardass - Amazingly, despite being in damn near last place, this guy refuses all trade offers, hanging onto his tenth round pick like he was a life preserver in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle. YOU ARE IN LAST PLACE, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE? This is sort of like the Detroit Lions punting on 4th and short. Or 4th and long, for that matter.

4. The Sum-is-Greater-Than-its-Parts Guy - This is the guy who offers you everyone on his bench for your best player. Sure, if you add up all the guys they might hit 50 homers, but that's a lot less impressive when it requires nine roster spots to achieve.

3. The Quitter - This is the guy who got to the section of Bushido in his East Asian History textbook and scratched his head in utter confusion. Calculates his chances of winning the league and once they fall below a certain threshold, that's all folks. He might as well have joined the witness protection program.

2. The Taciturn - After painstakingly crafting a trade proposal which benefits you and is not insulting to your trade partner, you send it off and then check your e-mail every five minutes in the hope that he has responded positively to your offer. Minutes turn to days. You fret--perhaps the offer was too insulting? Days turn to weeks. Perhaps he's just thinking it over? At one month, it's official--nobody's at the helm.

1. The Sheep - Does not possess a single independent bone in his body. Fifteen minutes after player X is written up in a fantasy strategy column, this guy is flying off the waiver wire. Drafts all the published "sleepers" in the second through seventh rounds, thereby defeating the very purpose and definition of a sleeper.

Famous Alumni

Universities (and even high schools) often publish long lists of distinguished alumni to try to take credit for their success. This is bunk. Harvard turns out successful alumni not necessarily because they create successful people, but because they pre-select out all the successful people before they enter the school.

But with that said, even if a school wants to take credit for all the successful alumni, shouldn't they also accept the blame for the unsuccessful ones? I think all college brochures should be required to list one infamous alumnus with every famous one.

Experience Harvard:

John Hancock, 1754
George W. Bush, '75
Henry David Thoreau, 1837
The Unabomber, '62
W.E.B. DuBois, 1890
Alger Hiss, '29
Natalie Portman, '03
Jonathan Taylor Thomas, '04

Now imagine if the Unabomber had gone to state school, which has a slightly lower proportion of stuffy Philips Academy grads. It might not even have a rowing team! He would have had fun eating ramen and playing frisbee and maybe wouldn't have blown so many people up. It all goes to show, you gotta find the right school for you.

Five More Predictions For the 2009 MLB Season

I make five predictions every year and I always get them all wrong except for one, which I reproduce for each installment. Without further ado:

5. World Series Champion - New York Yankees. This kills me, it really does. As for the NL? Surprise! The LA Dodgers.

4. Biggest Surprise - Dare I say it? Cincinnati Reds

3. Cy Young - Brandon Webb/Josh Beckett

2. World Baseball Classic Winner - Japan

And since I have to get at least one right:

1. AL Hits Leader - Ichiro