Unemployment: Not as Bad as the Figures Say

As the East Coast "braces" for the proceeding snowstorm by buying out all the milk and bread from the grocery store (ZOMG WE CAN'T SURVIVE WITHOUT BREAD AND MILK FOR AS MUCH AS TWO DAYS), the media have a disturbing tendency to give the snowstorm a name. "Snowpacolypse," not creative, but eh. "Snowmageddon," bordering on cheesy. But NBC 4 took it to heights I never thought were achievable. Take a look at this masterpiece:

I mean, really? Snowtorious B.I.G.? If somebody can fart out that travesty and not lose his/her job, the labor situation is not as bleak as they say it is.

Your Greatest Enemy

First of all, I am proud to say that if you Google "eBay insertion fees scam," the first listing is my old blog post about their 5 Free Insertion Fees bullshit. Of all the worthless drivel I have spouted, that one remains the most popular--by far. You can even Google "Eugene is an arrogant douchebag" and not stumble onto ANY posts in this blog, which shocked the hell out of me. Anyway, I have never wished bankruptcy as fervently on any company as I do eBay. But that's a story for another day.

When people learn that I work in the financial sector (albeit only peripherally), they always ask me financial questions about which I am not qualified to answer. Of course, that doesn't stop me from making half-accurate shit up. My favorite thing to say used to be that you could guarantee yourself almost 20% returns on your investments by just paying off your credit card bills. But alas, in today's operating environment, you should put your money into a "rainy day" account instead. The reasoning, of course, is that you never know when you might lose your job--and you won't be able to count on your credit cards bailing you out, because credit card companies are slashing credit limits down to your outstanding balance. These are truly unprecedented times.

With that said, your real long-term enemy is inflation. Very few people truly realize the impact that inflation has on your earning power. But think about it this way...your great grandfather could have bought an entire dinner with $1 in 1900. But if he had stuffed it under his mattress like a moron to give to you, today, you wouldn't even be able to buy a candy bar with that meager chickenshit. So where should you park the $3 you have left after you buy your iPad and iPhone and MacBook? Caveat: Don't construe any of this as real actual advice. After all, I am drunk right now.

1. Treasury Inflated Protected Securities (TIPS) - The principal is adjusted to the CPI, so you won't lose money. You won't make a lot either, but that's good enough for my dad.

2. Precious metals - Always a haven for investors worried about inflation, precious metals are...very sparkly. Still, gold is trading for over $1000 per ounce, which is more expensive than sex. ALWAYS be wary of anything that's more expensive than sex.

3. Borrow like hell! - If you have a FICO score of 850 and can even qualify for financing, borrow everything you can now. During your repayment period, as the principal remains unchanged, your money will lose more and more earning power. So essentially, you'll be repaying pre-inflation debts with post-inflation money.

Que Sera, Sera

When I was a kid I used to read through car magazines religiously. I spent hours thinking about what my first car was going to be, and at one point I decided it was going to be the Toyota Sera. Pretty slick for 1988, no?

Unfortunately, that was the last time I really coveted a Toyota. I'm a sucker for stylish, sporty cars, and most Toyotas don't really fit the bill. Reliable, yes, stylish, no. So when Toyotas start accelerating randomly and uncontrollably, what's going to keep customers coming back to the dealerships? Probably nothing. But people will forget. They always do. If Tylenol can go back to being the market leader in OTC pain relievers after the cyanide scare, then anything can happen. Let's not forget that the perpetrator was never actually caught--he could be lacing my hamburger meat with cyanide right now!

Anyway, just like Johnson & Johnson's mass recall back in 1982 (and the genesis of the now-ubiquitious tamper-proof seals), suspending sales of the affected models is such a drastic measure that I think that in the future, people will adopt a fairly favorable view of Toyota. It'll pass. People always forget these things.

With that said, I don't know why it's so hard to just shift the car into neutral. I can understand that if your car accelerates unexpectedly while you're rounding a bend on the PCH, maybe you'll go over a cliff and die. But in one of the incidents, there was enough time for a passenger to get out his phone, dial 911, and say: “We're in a Lexus ... we're going north (state Route) 125 and our accelerator is stuck. We're going 120 (mph)! Mission Gorge! We're in trouble – we can't – there's no brakes, MissionGorge ... end freeway half mile.”

Neutral, folks. Neutral.

2009 MLB Prediction Scorecard

Now that the 2010 baseball season is fast approaching, it's time to look over my 2009 predictions, which I neglected to do at the end of the season because I am lazy.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

5. World Series Champion - New York Yankees. This kills me, it really does. As for the NL? Surprise! The LA Dodgers.

Unfortunately, I was right about the Yankees and wrong about the Dodgers.

4. Biggest Surprise - Dare I say it? Cincinnati Reds

If by "surprise" I meant "2-game improvement," I think we can call this a rousing victory. Blah.

3. Cy Young - Brandon Webb/Josh Beckett

Not only did these two assholes NOT win the Cy Young award, neither of them could even keep their ERA under 3.8.

2. World Baseball Classic Winner - Japan

Hit!

And since I have to get at least one right:
1. AL Hits Leader - Ichiro

Money in the bank.

So there it is, 3/7. Not even a passing grade in middle school.

Quote of the day:

From Mike Bacsik's Twitter page, upon accusations that he grooved the pitch that Barry Bonds hit out of the park for his record-breaking 756th homer:

"...I didn't try to give up the homerun. I was crappy enough to do it without trying."

Talking About the Past

By now everyone has heard Mark McGwire's tearful-yet-perplexing confession to steroid use. I do have to take issue with his contention that PEDs didn't really help him hit--I will agree that it doesn't help your hand-eye coordination, but if a) the ball goes further when you DO make contact, and b) your improved strength translates to greater bat speed, helping you make contact by allowing you to sit on a pitch longer before beginning your swing, then yeah, I have to question your career numbers. So I don't buy that he didn't gain any advantage outside of rehabilitating from injuries.

But what's puzzled me even more is the chatter of sportswriters when it comes to discussion of McGwire's Hall of Fame merits (or lack thereof). I frequently see them (yes, Jayson Stark and Buster Olney, I mean you) make a statement that I just can't understand: "Since we don't know who was using steroids and who wasn't, you either have to let them all in or none of them in."

Baloney. That's like a policeman bringing in a criminal but then reasoning, "Well, I know this guy was selling crack, but there are a lot of guys right now selling crack who are running around free who I can't ever catch, so it's not fair to incarcerate just this one dude here. We should arrest them all or let them all go free, that's the only way to be fair."

I don't see what's wrong with using the metric, "If you got caught, no Hall of Fame for you." Yes, that means that some steroid users who didn't get caught might be elected to the Hall. But how is it better to have twenty cheaters in the Hall than ten? Isn't some societal good done when the police incarcerate the criminals they DO catch, even if they can't catch them all?