Poor Little Guy

Scooter is not doing well at all. He had to be sedated today for some tests, and pretty much no matter what the results are, they're going to be bad. It's just what kind of bad, that's the question.

On a related note, is anyone else moderately disturbed that doctors and vets call what they do "practicing?"

Holy Shit, I'm Going to be Rich

As many of you know, Scooter has wiped out my entire Christmas bonus, Neo-Geo fund, and this year's tax refund (before I've even gotten it). Current running total: $1594.14.

A lot of you may ask, "Eugene, isn't that a bit much to spend on a chinchilla?" The answer is yes, yes it is.

Now sometimes in life, people stumble upon magic combinations. Peanut butter and jelly. Salt and pepper. Joe Montana and Jerry Rice. Well, I stumbled upon another magic combination today: talking to the vet office + drinking. I've done just about everything one can do while drinking except for that, and I was in just the right state of mind to come up with the greatest moneymaking scheme on the entire planet. Ready?

All you have to do is open a veterinary office, take pets in from suckers like me who pay exorbitant amounts for ridiculous pets like rodents, charge $1000 and...replace them with animals that look exactly like the pets you took in. You might pay like $80 for a new chinchilla, which equals $920 of pure profit. Honestly, they all look alike; Scooter's brother looked almost exactly like him (he was a little darker, but they had to be side-by-side to notice). I'd like to think I could tell if I was getting a different animal, and ideally, I could, because I've taught Scooter how to do a couple of tricks, but honestly, I would just assume he was too stressed out, or he'd just forgotten. Next step: watch the money roll in!

Do My Eyes Deceive Me?

My beloved Orioles have finally signed their first Asian player, ensuring that they will not be the last team in the AL East to sign one (now that distinction goes to the Blue Jays). It's two-time Sawamura Award winner Koji Uehara, who apparently is going to start for the O's. Signing Japanese starters is a much dicier proposition than signing Japanese relievers; one inning of strange breaking pitches can be very effective, but it becomes considerably less so the second and third time down the order.

Uehara brings to the table a 90 MPH fastball and about a zillion different breaking pitches, just like all Japanese pitchers. From looking at over two YouTube clips, they have pretty good movement, but the raw arm strength is not that impressive. But where Uehara really shines is his control; over his career in Japan, he logged an absolutely eyepopping 6.7/1 strikeout-to-walk ratio! He's a little bit susceptible to the gopherball, though I think that concern is somewhat overblown. And he's a little long in the tooth.

I think he would be very effective as a middle reliever, but even as a starter, I'm more intrigued with him than all five years of Daniel Cabrera combined. The strikeout rate will drop and America's tighter zone will hurt him a little, but man, you can't argue with 6.7/1. I'm excited to see him play...if his rotation spot falls on June 9-June 11 when the Mariners come to visit Baltimore, and Uehara gets to pitch to Ichiro, I will personally attend and probably wet my pants with joy too.

Furball Update

So after Scooter's Christmas anorexia, he finally started eating on his own again so I took him home. Unfortunately, he started losing weight, fast, and I had to take him back to the vet, who prescribed him medication and fluids. The catch was, the medication and fluids were injection-only, and the course of treatment was 14 days, so I'd have to learn to give the injections (3 per day!) myself.

Now, keep in mind that I HATE needles myself and that I had never given an injection in my life. I was already feeling a little queasy about it when I went in for the demonstration. The vet tech set him down, pinched his skin and stuck the needle in, and he didn't even flinch. Not a peep our of him, just nothing. Relieved, I figured I could do it myself without a problem and that it must not bother him too much.

Well, the time comes for his first injection at home, and I do exactly as the vet tech did. He's sitting pretty still and I pinch his skin and stick in the needle. Then bam! The little guy goes batshit insane, jerking like his back is covered in ants. He jerks so hard that he bends the needle, which slips out and re-inserts itself into my hand. At that point I've decided that I don't care how much it costs to board him for 14 days; I can't ever do this again. So I put the cap back on the syringe...and the bent needle goes right through the plastic and into my finger. Again. I'm now at peace with not becoming a doctor.

Much Ado About Nothing?

As inauguration stuff gets underway and the Washington area prepares to close down, I wonder what the big deal is. Don't get me wrong, I really like Obama, and a black president is definitely a historical milestone, but hasn't the history already been made? I feel like Election Day was the exciting historical day, and inauguration will be the snoozer where everybody just talks for hours.

So I don't understand all the "Omigod I can't wait for Obama to be inaugurated!" America, he's already president, for all intents and purposes! That's like saying, "Omigod, I can't wait for the Phillies World Series ring presentation ceremony!" They're already champions!

With that said, I guess I'm just not that sentimental, because if I had known how hot and long and boring my own college graduation would have been, I would have skipped that too.