Abominations in American Box Art

When I was in high school, I yearned to possess both the Japanese and American versions of the SNES Final Fantasy III at the same time; a game which remains unsurpassed in the annals of video gaming. This was back in the late 90s when the Internet was still relatively young and eBay was still called AuctionWeb. Back then it was sort of a niche site and had no international presence - I had to search far and wide for a Japanese copy and eventually purchased a loose cart for $46 (it costs about 15 bucks now, COMPLETE in the box). You see, my plan was to use the game to start teaching myself Japanese, like it was Rosetta Stone or something. God, I was such a dumbass.

Ultimately my plan was unsuccessful because I was too lazy to even buy the damn system to play it on, to say nothing of memorizing hundreds of Japanese characters in the hopes of being able to say "YOU ATTACK WERE-RAT BUT WERE-RAT DODGES THE ATTACK!" But it's all so cheap now that I bought it a second time (I lost the $46 POS a long time ago) and plugged it in today. I learned absolutely no Japanese. In fact, I got killed in my first battle because I couldn't figure out which spell was the healing spell. DEATH TO NON-ROMANCE LANGUAGES

But one thing that has always struck me as exceedingly odd is how pitiful the box art becomes when the game crosses the ocean. The Yoshitaka Amano piece on FFVI is just a gorgeously intricate, evocative, brooding work. The American counterpart...well, let's just say that if someone drew that in Pictionary, my first guess would be "afterbirth":



In fact, when you look at the kinds of changes that Marketing makes to box art to make it "suitable" for Americans, it's kind of insulting (though in fairness, I don't know whether it is the Japanese parent or the American subsidiary directing the changes):



"Yeah, see that smiling guy on the right? Can't have that. Americans don't like smiling in their games. Not badass enough. Give him a sword too. And that 13-year old on the left? Let's slut her up a little - poof out the hair, enlarge her boobs, and make it look like she's giving the dick eye. Whew, I've been working like a dog, Bob. Think I'm gonna take a mental health day tomorrow."

Okay, fine, whatever, we get boobs. No biggie. But what always pissed me off the most as a kid when the American box looked nothing like the actual game:



When I buy a game because it has a picture of a man with gold panties on the box, I EXPECT A MAN WITH GOLD PANTIES IN THE GAME. I'm pretty sure that's in the Statute of Frauds.

Privatize the USPS Already!

Little known fact: among the illustrious legacies of King William 3.0 and Queen Mary 2.0 quietly lurks a more dubious distinction - they commissioned the spiritual progenitor of the United States Postal Service. If they had known how things would turn out they would undoubtedly have just awarded the contract to UPS.

I finally purchased a Super Famicom a couple of weeks ago, direct from Japan. Am I too old to play video games, you ask? Psh! Of course I'm too old.

Anyway, I came home the other day and saw the pink delivery attempt notice, which of course was attempted while I was at work. Seriously, why doesn't someone start a delivery business that delivers from 6:00 pm to 11:00 pm? I hate that pink slip.

But what's this? USPS now offers ONLINE redelivery scheduling! Awesome! I filled out the form to schedule delivery for today (since I am fortunate enough to be working from home), and got a confirmation notice. I was duly impressed by USPS for the first time since kindergarten. You already know how this is going to end.

The mailman arrives and my package is not delivered. I can schedule another pickup for the next time I'm home, Saturday, but that will have been five days since the original attempt, so if that request also flies off into the ether, the package will get sent back. TO FUCKING JAPAN. So assuming they didn't even bother to take it off the shelf at the post office, I rush there fifteen minutes before they close, and what do I see in front of me but this...

...A fucking douchebag couple waltzing in fifteen minutes before close with SIXTY FUCKING PACKAGES. Literally 62 or 63, no exaggeration. And of course they have to tape them up at the counter because they didn't bother to do that shit somewhere where there weren't 20 people waiting behind them.

I finally get to the counter and give them the slip, and the lady goes back and rummages around for a while. A long while. I start to panic. Could I have been wrong about the USPS? Perhaps there is a special mailman who just does redeliveries and he just hasn't reached my place yet.

She finally emerges from the back...with a box under her arm. Yeah, screw USPS.

Investment Strategies, Video Games Edition

One of the many reasons I got rejected by the Ivy League

So I'm putzing around eBay while drunk (which, incidentally, is the primary reason I have so much useless shit in my apartment), looking for a decent copy of my favorite game of all-time, Final Fantasy III/VI. I don't care that it's perfect or anything, I just want a copy that doesn't look like it's been dragged around tied to the back of a car.

Much to my surprise, there are actually sellers with SEALED copies of the game, available now at the firesale price of $799. At first blush, that seems ludicrous, but let's not forget that a similarly sealed copy of Chrono Trigger sold for $1,217.

While acknowledging that nobody has yet purchased the game for 800 bucks, let's assume for a second that the real value of the game is such, especially considering the fact that it's about equally as rare (i.e., not notably rare) and equally as lauded as Chrono Trigger. I *think* the game was $70 at release, which would make the inflation-adjusted appreciation from 1994 to 2010 a tidy 697%!

By comparison, the S&P 500 has only increased by about 137% in the same period. My parents would have been better off putting their retirement savings into a stack of Super Nintendo games. Or old Transformer toys, for that matter.

Super Mario All-Stars for Wii: What a Lazy POS

Don't even bother opening it, this is as good as it'll get.

I just bought a copy of the 25th Anniversary edition of Super Mario All Stars for the Wii, and the nice, classy-looking embossed matte exterior box really belies the laziest anniversary game I have ever seen. I mean, this is beyond lazy. This is garbage.

First off, the games are not ports, nor are they really retro editions. It's an emulation of an SNES ROM, the already remade original Super Mario All-Stars (without Super Mario World). And man, is this bush league. They put so little thought into this Wii edition that they didn't even bother to change the pictures for the on-screen directions from an SNES controller. And maybe it's just me, but the controls just feel much more slippery than the originals, like Mario's constantly running on ice.

But whatever, I didn't really buy this because I am burning to play Super Mario 2 for hours again. Plus, you can buy all the games on Virtual Console anyway. It's sort of just a nostalgia thing, right? Thankfully, there's an extra disc case with a "Super Mario History" art book and a music CD. And I kid you not: they were even LAZIER with the extras than they were with the actual game. I didn't think it was even possible.

Open up the art book and you are treated to three tiny screenshots of each Mario game with one-sentence snippets of insight from Shigeru Miyamoto, Koji Kondo, and Takashi Tezuka for each. These earth-shattering insights include: "[Super Mario Galaxy] was released in South Korea as 'Super Mario Wii,'" and "When the player hops onto Yoshi, a cheery bit of percussion is added to the track."

Pop the audio CD in and things don't get any better. Half the damn CD is sound effects - the half-second coin noise is its own track! I would honestly have been less disappointed if Nintendo had just ripped some shit off of Overclocked Remix.

And finally, thanks, Nintendo, for requiring me to run a system firmware update to play a game from 1993.

How to Get the Best Recommendation From Your Professor

In my tenure as a university professor (and I apply the term "professor" to myself in the same manner as the WWE calls itself "wrestling"), I occasionally got requests for recommendations to various programs and institutions. With just one exception, I was always glad to do it; it gives me a fair amount of pleasure to give something back in a tangible way to students who work hard. Or even students who don't work hard but at least make me laugh once in while.

But it surprises me how frequently students fail to maximize this aspect of their applications. Granted, I doubt most recommendations carry that much weight, but it takes very little extra work to make sure that they are sterling testaments to your aptitude and work ethic.

1. Give Them Lots of Time: At LEAST three to four weeks. I once had a student ask me to write a recommendation that was due the next day. Sorry. It's one thing if, say, you just found a program you never knew existed and the due date just happens to be the next day...and I like you as a person. But sending an e-mail at 10 pm that reads something like "yo i wuz wonderin if u could rite me a recommendation its due 2morrow and i need someone who can rite one fast," and I don't even remember what you look like because you only attend enough classes to barely maintain your C- average, well, that's another thing altogether.

2. Be Courteous: Your recommenders are, naturally, on your side. But they'll be more on your side if you act as if they are doing you a favor, which they are. Say please, say thank you, and for God's sake, put a stamp on the mailing envelope!

3. Choose Your Recommender Wisely: I generally get the impression that the sole criterion for students in choosing a recommender pretty much boils down to determining who is the nicest professor you have. And that could be good, but it's usually not. Depending on the program, sometimes you should pick your most renowned professor, otherwise pick the person who will make you sound the best.

I know, obvious, but here's my take: if your grades are stellar, but you never talk in class and never speak to me personally, I can write you a pretty good recommendation. If your grades are okay but not top notch but you amaze the class with your wit and clarity of thought, I can write you a pretty good recommendation. If you combine both outstanding grades with insightful questions and thought-provoking comments, I can write you a dazzling recommendation that befits your stupendous intellectual achievements.

4. Make it Easy to Say Something Good About You: Finally, just like in resume-writing, examples rule. I hate having to write something like "Jill is really smart," because a) that's what everyone writes, and b) vague, unsupported statements just aren't that compelling. I like to write of specific things that students have said or done, especially the things that really surprised me (in a good way, of course). But sometimes, even when the aforementioned statement is really true, I don't have any examples, or I don't remember.

So when you're handing over the application guideline packet, throw in some other stuff too, like work you've done that you're really proud of, even if it's for other classes. Since it's material you've already completed, you don't lose a whole lot, even if none of it is read. But I would surmise that most of your professors would appreciate having something to refer to.