Policenauts Review

Just like Mel Gibson, only with blue hair and not as hateful of Jews

Let's be clear about one thing from the outset - Policenauts is not a game. For the most part, the extent of its required "interaction" is repeatedly pressing the circle button down long lists of text options. I am convinced that your subjective Policenauts experience would not differ significantly if you chose to merely watch a video of someone else playing through the title.

But to be fair, nobody's ever pretended it was a game anyway; I've usually seen Policenauts (and its spiritual predecessor, Snatcher) called a "digital comic." And make no mistake - that's what it is. You have no real inventory other than a few token items that you cannot manipulate, so it can't even be called an adventure game. Granted, I knew this going in, but I thought I was prepared, as I had already endured Disc 2 of Xenogears. Alas, I was not.

You navigate through the story as the chief protagonist and pervert (more on that later), Jonathan Ingram. Jonathan is a member of the "Policenauts," essentially five space policemen charged with enforcing the law in the human space colony of Beyond Coast. On a routine spacewalk, Jonathan's suit malfunctions and he drifts off into space...where he floats in stasis for the next 25 years before being rescued and waking up in a world that--unlike him--has aged a quarter-century. He becomes a private eye in L.A., when one night his ex-wife walks in to ask his assistance in locating her missing husband. And thus, the story begins.

If it isn't blatantly obvious by now, Hideo Kojima pays homage to (or shamelessly cribs, depending on your perspective) the Lethal Weapon movies, much like he did in Snatcher with Blade Runner. In fact, this homage runs much, much deeper than just the physical appearances and mannerisms of Mel Gibson and Danny Glover; if you've seen the first couple of Lethal Weapons, you'll be able to guess much of Ed's (Jonathan's partner) background and even how the game ends, in true Hollywood deus ex machina fashion.

That's not to say that the substantive plot is anything like the Lethal Weapon movies, because it most assuredly is not, but the style of interaction of the two remains quite faithful to the source material, from Glover's "I just want to retire already and not deal with this horny renegade kid" shtick and Gibson's affections towards the fairer sex. It is the latter aspect that Kojima parodies by slathering it in every possible nook and cranny.

For starters, there is not a single ugly woman in this game. Not one. And naturally, when a game flashes a hot woman on screen and the primary game mechanic is clicking around at objects that interest you, the smutty 15-year old inside you will be compelled to click on various parts of her body. The sheer amount of dialogue that Kojima has devoted to breasts is a playful reminder that he already knows that you won't be able to resist doing it.

Consider it a small consolation for all the clicking and squinting you'll do over the course of the title. You progress the plot by essentially exhausting all the possible "hotspots" on every screen. Ask the guy about the book. Ask the guy about the computer. He mentions so-and-so. Ask about so-and-so. Ask about so-and-so again. He mentions X. Ask about X. Repeat ad infinitum. You don't ever really "solve" anything. You just keep methodically going down the dialogue tree until the person (or your character) has nothing to say and the game automatically advances you or points you towards a new scene. This is problematic at times, because you'll think you've asked about every object and exhausted every branch of the dialogue tree but the game is not advancing you. So you have to painstakingly visit every previous location and work your way through all the conversation menus to find out which obscure branch you missed. That is when the game can get a bit frustrating and tedious, though generally speaking, it doesn't happen too frequently; it's usually pretty obvious what you need to say or do.

The plot, while frequently slowed by the tendency of characters to prattle endlessly like they're reading out of the Encyclopedia Britannica, is actually fairly compelling. While ostensibly a cyberpunk thriller, Policenauts is also a missive about the inexorable human limitations that gird the march of progress, and warns us of the price of that progress. And while I wish that they had put a little more effort in concealing your enemies (one major one is apparent almost immediately), there are some genuinely surprising twists dispersed among the telegraphed ones. Additionally, the ending is rather abrupt and feels a little rushed considering the care and time with which the title builds up the framework of the story.

Occasionally your...ahem...reading is punctuated by action segments, most of which involve you trying to shoot a target by positioning the crosshairs of your gun via the directional pad. I don't know if those segments are more enjoyable for those who use the light gun or mouse peripherals, but controlling it with the regular PSX controller is a little bit of a nightmare. These sequences are not fun because it's hard to quickly and precisely locate the crosshairs, but the game is forgiving enough to start you at the beginning of those segments and not dump you back at your last save. In fact, it's worth dying a couple of times just for the occasional funny fourth wall-breaking commentary on your ability. Other than the shooting segments, there are two other decent puzzles and one task that reminds me of those old LucasArts PC game copy protection schemes ("Enter the third symbol from the left on page 23 of the manual..."). Oh yeah, you'll need this.

It is important to note that I played the patched English translation of Policenauts, and I am compelled to say that the translation is absolutely, utterly terrific. The highest compliment that I can confer is that the dialogue sounded completely natural - there are no "You spoony bard!" moments. It is quite a remarkable achievement, considering the sheer amount of text that populates this game, and a testament to the resourcefulness of the fan community. This is especially noteworthy considering Policenauts wasn't localized in the first place because it was supposedly too difficult from a technical standpoint.

When all is said and done, it's hard to know what to make of a game that basically amounts to a 10-hour movie; I suspect you'll either love it or hate it. But I will say this: it's a hell of a ride, from beginning to end, and along with Snatcher, it will probably be the most unique game you've ever played. Coupled with the quality of the story, it's a package that you shouldn't miss, minor warts and all.

8.0/10