Nook Hands-On

Well, after using the nook for a while, I have decided that overall, I like it a lot. But that's not without qualification.

First, the good. The screen is amazingly easy to read. I've just never been able to read long documents on handheld LCD screens without wicked eyestrain, but this is like reading it on paper. It's easy to operate with just one hand, and I like that you can look up words in the dictionary on the fly.

The biggest qualm I have is that it is s-l-o-w. I can accept that the eInk screen will be slow on refreshes because that's endemic to the technology. But the color LCD touchscreen is slow too, and not particularly responsive. When you combine the two, hilarity ensues. I end up executing a lot of the commands twice because it initially looks like nothing has registered. Or I press it and wait for like 5 seconds to account for the delay and it turns out that indeed nothing went through. Frustrating. Oh, and if you have fat fingers, forget it. Some of those touchscreen buttons are positively miniscule.

All in all, I like it. But if there's one advantage that paper books retain, it's cheapness. These e-readers are so expensive that I would NEVER take one to the pool or the beach, whereas I don't give a shit if my paperback falls in the water.

Finally, I'm about halfway through Dan Brown's The Lost Symbol, and so far, I think it sucks. Not that I came into it expecting Atlas Shrugged, but it's pretty much a first semester college research paper on the Freemasons, albeit a little more suspenseful. There's still 700 more pages left for it to get better, so I'm hopeful. But one minor quibble--at one point a character "points to a Metro sign" from the Freedom Plaza, which turns out to be Metro Center. But anyone who's ever been to Freedom Plaza knows that you can't see ANY Metro signs from there, much less Metro Center's, which is several blocks away and is frankly a little tough to see even when you're right on top of it.

I Now Know How Old People Feel

I mean, irrespective of the obvious fact that I AM old.

My current laptop is going on damn near 8 years old, and it just can't run anything more demanding than Minesweeper. Not that that would usually be a problem, because Minesweeper is the best game ever invented, but the last time I went out of town on business, I couldn't get anything done because everything ran so slow. So this past Black Friday, I ordered a new laptop from Newegg. It was originally $749 with a $100 discount and a 10% Bing Cashback special, for a total of $585. And no interest for 6 months with my preferred account. Cool.

Just one problem though--nobody ever bothered to deliver it, unless the driver's Dec. 1 shift has lasted 23 days:

I think that "Brown" is exactly the right color to characterize UPS service.

I couldn't get another machine shipped to me because they were out of stock, and so I was just refunded the total and that was that. At that point, what I should have done was thank my lucky stars that I wasn't going to have to spend that much money after all. Only problem is, when you spend two weeks thinking you're going to get something, you'd better get SOMETHING. I mean, I had even ordered a laptop case.

So I went on the lookout for a replacement, and predictably couldn't find anything comparable for the same price--we're talking $800 territory here. I thought, for that kind of money, I'll pay a little extra and get a MacBook just so I could learn OS X. You can run Windows on them anyway, so it's not like there's a disadvantage besides knowing that you're paying like twice as much for generic internal hardware. But I digress.

I ended up buying the aluminum MacBook Pro (2 year financing FTW). It was more than a "little" extra, but I digress again. I will say this for Macs...they are GORGEOUS and built more solidly than the creaky plasticky PC laptops of yesteryear.

But poking around in OS X, I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. Sometimes I spend like a minute just staring blankly at the thing. Where is the "maximize window" button? How can I tell how many separate Safari windows (not tabs) are open? How come when I click "X" sometimes it closes the program and sometimes it doesn't? I'm going to have a little more sympathy for old people trying to use computers from now on, methinks.

If Only They Had a Time Machine

I found this in the Sports Illustrated archive. Who would have known back then how hilarious this would look right now?

William & Mary vs. Villanova Notes

- I understand why NFL rookies always say that the NFL is so much faster than college-the game speed just seems awfully slow, though there are some individual players who are really very talented.

-I'm incredibly impressed with W&M's defense. Aside from that one blown coverage early, they've been phenomenal.

-Villanova is going blitz-crazy and RJ Archer is just not making them pay. The offensive game plan is awfully conservative. I'm surprised they're not running any quick slants against that pressure--tons of lateral routes are not going to get it done. There should be a lot more separation than 10 points right now.

-I HATE HATE HATE when a team runs a slightly unconventional set where the ball is directly snapped to someone other than the quarterback and the announcer immediately cries "It's the Wildcat!" It's usually a single or double wing formation, in this case on Szczur's TD run, I believe a double wing direct snap to WR. There's nothing magically distinctive about the term "Wildcat," unless you mean the Dolphins variation, and even then, it still wasn't a "Wildcat," as no slot receiver was in motion across the formation.

-William & Mary's special teams are simply awful.

-I don't know how W&M fell for that fake punt. But more importantly, I don't understand why the coverage team pursued the ball carrier. When you're the defender and you're standing at the line of scrimmage, the guy needs to get back to the line and then almost 10 more yards BEHIND you to get the first down. WHY ARE YOU PURSUING HIM? Let him come to you and you won't fall for the reverse.

-Is ANYBODY blocking on the W&M punt return team?

-This announcing team of Brock Huard and...some other guy...totally sucks. I haven't heard either of them offer any real insight on any of the plays, and not one single time have I heard them point out the play of anybody on the offensive line.

Maybe I Shouldn't Trust Computer Maps Anymore

Everyone already knows that I think the automotive GPS is the greatest invention in the history of mankind. I've always been terrible at finding places, and half the time I'd forget to print out the map anyway. But now I need no preparation time to find any place in the country, except, apparently, my own apartment.

I got my first GPS about 3 or 4 years ago, and I never updated the map. I always thought that for the $100 they charge to update your map, I might as well buy a whole new GPS unit. But I was too lazy to actually do that. So for those 3 or 4 years, sometimes my unit ran me into dead ends, especially one particular one it always directed me into while I was trying to get back home. And don't say "learn the right streets and make the appropriate corrections." I don't do that. My job is to not crash the car. GPS's job is to navigate. It says turn right, I turn right. You must respect the chain of command.

Anyway, this Black Friday, I snagged a new GPS for only 60 bucks. Today was the first day I took it out for a test run, and everything worked well, until I was coming home and some of the roads and houses I was passing looked alarmingly familiar. But this GPS has the most up-to-date map available, so I wasn't worried. Perhaps they'd finally finished construction or something. I happily followed instructions and pulled right into that dead end. Again.

Today I was also searching for Italian food around my office building, and Google Maps was kind enough to find me Maggiano's Little Italy:

I've heard that their Middle of the Deserted Field location is the finest of their whole franchise.

Wherefore Art Thou, Nook? Delayed!

Well, it was too good to be true. After more than a month of patiently waiting for the Barnes & Noble nook reader to ship, it has been delayed. Not just to the retail stores, though that's all the media seem to be reporting. I must have been the first one in the world to order the damn thing, and despite an initial shipping date of November 30, I have now been pushed back to Dec. 9. They really need to iron out the kinks in their supply chain.

They did offer a $10 coupon code, which I guess is something, but I hate the smarmy way in which they make it not sound like a delay:

Subject Line: Your nook is shipping soon, plus a little something extra

You were smart to order your nook early for 2 reasons:

Reason 1: You'll be one of the first to have one. Your nook is shipping soon and
we expect to have it to you by December 9th. As an added bonus, we've upgraded
you to overnight shipping!

Reason 2: To thank you for being one of the first proud nook owners, we're giving
you a $10 Barnes&Noble.com Online Gift Certificate.

Thanks for the coupon code, but next time just say "hey, we've delayed your order from November 30th to December 9th" instead of oh-you're-so-lucky-have-ten-bucks-we-won't-even-explicitly-mention-it's-late.

Don't Look Now, But...

-Redskins punter Hunter Smith has more all-purpose touchdowns for the season at this moment than JaMarcus Russell.

-Prior to today's games Chris Johnson had 162 more rushing yards than the ENTIRE Cleveland Browns team.

-While it would be more elegently symmetrical if the Rams were 0-8 and not 1-7, the 8-0 Saints are struggling against the punchless Rams and are tied at halftime, 14-14.

Does Anyone Really Prefer Alternate Endings?

I've just started Mass Effect (the first one, 2 years or so late), and while I tend not to enjoy this type of typical BioWare-style RPG (I couldn't get into Knights of the Republic), it was just too cheap not to take a chance on. I assume that it'll have multiple endings based on your choices in the dialog trees, and I already don't like that aspect. One of the things that I've always appreciated about Japanese RPGs is that the plots are generally always fairly immutable and very linear in their unfolding.

Admittedly, I never really liked those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books, but at least they were tolerable because they were short. If you made the wrong decision and fell into a pit of spikes, you only lost about 10 minutes of your life. A game, on the other hand, has probably taken 40 hours or so by its conclusion. The general principle of assigning consequences to your actions, I don't have a problem with. But in practice, it's a nightmare, because you have no idea how some of your obscure actions will affect the ending. I hate getting the shitty "fake" ending because I didn't collect the special orb and give it to the old man who lives in the hut on the edge of the town that only shows up if you talked to the princess in the beginning and told her that she resembles your sister.

And that, guys, is why you're the worst team in the NFL

Down by 14 points already in the first quarter, and with a chance to run one more play before the end of the quarter, the Skins just let the clock run out. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? You're down by two touchdowns, you need all the time you can get with the ball in your hands. Play with a little passion, what do you have to lose?

The Absurdity of NBA Coaches

In honor of the start of the NBA season, I will bitch about NBA coaches instead of NFL coaches for a change.

One thing I've never understood is why coaches bench a player who gets into early foul trouble. I mean, I know that when you get too many fouls, you foul out of the game. But when the coach benches you, you're ALSO OUT OF THE GAME. It seems to me that for a guy in early foul trouble, the decision comes down to either benching him early in the game or (the ref) benching him late in the game.

But I still don't understand why you would do it voluntarily--you don't know what the player would do for the rest of the game, foulwise. When you bench a guy for 10 minutes in the first quarter, you lose 10 minutes of production for certain. If he fouls out, you might lose 10 minutes of production at the end of the game, but he also may be able to stay in. Why would you give up 10 minutes of this guy for sure when there's a chance you might not even have to?

Now, in certain situations, I can see the logic of pulling a guy. Maybe he gets too mentally soft with lots of early fouls. Maybe the guy's fouling because he's rattled. But otherwise, if a guy averages 3 fouls or whatever per 48 minutes, I don't necessarily think that having two clustered together in a short period of time really means that much.

The MRI Arthrogram Experience

Whew...it's finally over. The whole thing took about two hours, though it certainly felt a lot longer. It wasn't excruciating, but I can't say it was a pleasant experience.

The arthrogram is definitely the worst part. It's two injections (at least two, I couldn't bear to look), one for the local anesthetic, and then the second one that's plunged into the middle of the shoulder joint to inject the contrast dye. There may have been a third one to inject another anesthetic, but like I said, I wasn't looking. All this time, there's a realtime x-ray fluoroscope about two inches from your face set up to help guide the needle, and you can feel the cells in your brain happily flipping their genetic switches from "normal" to "cancerous." Anyway, the initial shot is a typical local skin shot (though rather deep), and the second shot into the joint is thus pretty tolerable until it pierces the capsule surrounding the joint, and then you feel a twinge of moderately bad pain. Only momentary though, so it's doable.

Then you lock all your stuff up (they actually let me keep my pants and shoes on) and wait for a LONG time. Someone comes by and asks you the same questions you've been asked about 30 times before, like when is your birthdate and which arm are they examining (not that I'm complaining, mind you), and then you wait a long time again. One thing people should know...if you need something, be proactive and ASK. I assumed that at some point someone would say, "Before you're locked into this tiny plastic tube for half an hour, would you like to use the bathroom?" But nobody did. Everything's very disjointed because you get ferried around like car parts on an assembly line and a different team does every step.

When I finally got into the MRI room, they strapped me down and the technician stuck some foam earplugs in my ears. I was disappointed, because the receptionist on the phone had assured me that I could get those special headphones that piped music into my brain. But at that point, I wasn't going to argue because there was no way in hell I was going to get a shot into the center of my fucking shoulder again. No way. They didn't slide my entire body into the tube, only the top half or so, so it wasn't too claustrophobia-inducing. I did worry that I'd have an itch or that I'd need to pee (or worse). Actually, I did have some itches. But fortunately, the machine is so damn loud that your brain is completely occupied with keeping your eardrums from exploding. The pain from the plastic pressing against your elbow or that tiny itch in your neck is nothing compared to the earsplitting clanks right next to your head. You kind of get used to them though. I fell asleep momentarily and probably screwed the whole exam up when my good arm slipped off my stomach.

Well, that was about it. My shoulder is throbbing with pain now, but it's not supposed to last that long. We'll see. My followup appointment is Thursday, and I hope to God it's something catastrophic. I'm going to be so fucking pissed if I went through all this only to have the doctor insist that it doesn't look like anything's wrong.

MRI Tomorrow

I've got my shoulder MRI scheduled for tomorrow, and considering the paucity of information available on the Internet (Will an injection straight into my joint hurt like a bitch or not?) I will write up the full experience for the benefit of future Googlers.

Stoked for Windows 7

It's in my hand! Actually, at this point Vista is not that bad anymore, all things considered. But there are two things I'm really looking forward to:

1. Finally taking the plunge into complete 64-bit;
2. New wallpapers.

You can do a full clean install on a blank hard drive with just the upgrade media, as with Vista. Paul Thurrott's excellent SuperSite outlines the procedure here:

http://www.winsupersite.com/win7/clean_install_upgrade_media.asp

I have Vista and can do an in-place upgrade over it, but I prefer to blow out all the cobwebs. I do forget to back up something every time, though. Last time it was my bookmarks and savegames. What will it be this time?

Time to Fire Congress and Replace Them With Zappos

I don't buy a lot of shoes, and I've certainly never bought them online prior to a few days ago. It just never seemed worth the potential hassle of having to return a pair that didn't look like you'd expect or didn't fit well. One aspect of my job that I enjoy is reading about how other businesses run and market their products, and Zappos flew onto my radar about a year or so ago. If you remember, at the time they offered free overnight shipping on every order (which has since ended, though a lot of orders go out overnight anyway) and offered new employee trainees a flat $2,000 to quit after a week of training.

Well I finally broke down and ordered a couple pairs of shoes from Zappos, and the speed with which they process and ship orders is phenomenal. I ordered at 10 p.m. on Monday and it arrived the next day! I'm not entirely sure at this point how that was even possible. I think you pay a little bit of a premium buying from Zappos, but I have to say, it's money well spent. I really can't imagine shopping online for shoes anywhere else. The last time I ordered anything from Gap they didn't even bother to send me an order confirmation for a day.

The point is, Zappos should be running our country. It would be nice to be pleasantly surprised with the speed of progress...for once.

Why I Chose the Nook Over the Kindle

Well, Barnes & Noble took the wraps off their new e-reader today, and boy did they hit it out of the park, at least on paper. I had been wavering between the Kindle and the Sony Reader, and I grudgingly chose the Kindle, despite its lack of native PDF support (despite its lack of ANY support outside essentially MOBI), non-expandable memory, and nonreplaceable battery. And as we all know, I HATE nonreplaceable batteries. But, on the other hand, the book selection was better and there was wireless access and thus, Wikipedia to keep me entertained. But it was so close of a decision that almost any extra feature could have tilted the balance either way. I wonder if Amazon realizes that just by allowing 6-inch Kindles to read PDF, they could really have blown the competition away. I've been experimenting with converting my PDFs into a file format that the Kindle can read, and they look AWFUL. When people were saying that PDFs suffered a little bit in the conversion, I assumed it would be fairly minor things, like wonky formatting here and there. Nuh uh. It's downright piss-poor in every way, especially if there are any images. Also, I believe that native PDF support lets you borrow ebooks for free from the library via Adobe Digital Editions, which was one of the big draws of the Sony reader.

Anyway, as I've said previously, I was awaiting today's announcement with bated breath, even as my Kindle is en route. As soon as the specs first came out, (inadvertently, thanks to an overeager web guy/gal), they did not disappoint (although I have to admit, the name was a bit of a letdown):

- Native PDF support
- Expandable memory
- Replaceable battery
- 3G cellular access AND WiFi
- eBook lending

Out came the credit card, and I've got it on preorder. The Kindle is due to arrive tomorrow, but I'm sending it back. I couldn't care less about the color touchscreen, but they hit most everything else I've been looking for. I will miss wireless Wikipedia, but I'm confident that on the Android platform, someone will figure something out. Maybe even the name will grow on me. I do remember thinking that "Wii" was the dumbest name ever when I first heard it. Wait...I still think it's the dumbest name ever.

So maybe it won't grow on me. Just be prepared for the inevitable onslaught of "she showed me her nook" and "her nook is stuffed with goodies" jokes.

Running Up The Score

After New England's 59-0 blowout of the Titans today (I guess technically yesterday), I'm sure that pundits and fans will be buzzing with self-righteous anger about class and sportsmanship. In the interest of disclosure, just a few years ago I would have been spearheading the outrage myself, but to be honest, I don't care anymore.

That is not to say, of course, that I oppose sportsmanship or class. I absolutely agree that at lower levels of competition, a dominant team should take its foot off the pedal. It's classless to embarrass a poorly performing team because a lot of those kids don't get to choose where they play. DeMatha will always kick the crap out of most public schools, but that's not the kids' fault.

But in the NFL, you mostly get to choose where you play, and you're compensated handsomely whether you win or lose or lose by 59. And frankly, the talent level among NFL teams is pretty close, all things considered. Should you stop scoring because you might make Vince Young feel bad about himself? Who cares? Tennessee handed him $26 million of guaranteed money, life's not that bad. You deserve to be embarrassed once in a while.

And let's not forget the legendary 1993 playoff game between the Bills and the Oilers, in which the Oilers led 35-3 in the 3rd quarter, only to lose in overtime.

With all that said, boy were the Titans awful. They completed as many passes to the Patriots (2) as they did to their own players, whose 2 receptions went for a total of -7 yards. Nate Washington came into the game with 172 season receiving yards and left it with 150 season receiving yards. Clearly, this game was punishment from the football gods for punting on 4th and 3 from their own 40 with like 7 minutes left in the 4th quarter trailing the Colts 31-9. Are you even trying to win?

I think Bill Belichick is a douchebag, but you've got to admire the man's balls. Going for it on 4th down on his own...24, was it? He coaches football like I play video Madden.

Consumer Reports: Canker Sore Review Edition

For as long as I can remember, I've been plagued--PLAGUED--with horrible canker sores. Anytime I bite or cut the inside of my lip, no matter how small it is initially, it develops into a 3/4 cm crater almost without fail. When I was younger there wasn't a lot you could do about it aside from some applying some dishearteningly impermanent topical medication. Thankfully, it seems that lately, the market for canker sore products has exploded, and there are some surprisingly effective remedies available. Naturally, over the course of my life, out of sheer desperation I have bought and tried every single one of them. But which one is the best?

Canker Cover (***) - This is just one example of a pretty extensive line of similar products--they're basically discs (like very thin aspirin tablets) that stick to the sore. They do stick VERY well; in fact, once it's on, you can't get it off. And it lasts a pretty long time, provided you don't pick at it. But on the other hand, the disc is HUGE. You're not going to get away with this around the front of your mouth if you need to talk to someone else in the course of your day. And it just feels disgusting in your mouth, sort of like really soft wax, and I'm afraid about eating with it on. It's inelegant, but it eliminates the pain, so if you're just going to sit on the couch all day, it's not so bad.


Colgate Orabase Soothe-N-Seal (**) - Open up the box and it's basically a vial of superglue and a few Q-Tips. You squeeze the superglue onto the tip and dab it onto the sore. It does seal quickly, but it hurts like a bitch, is stiff when it dries, and doesn't last quite as long as the company claims. It's definitely the worst choice for very large sores; the Q-Tip they give you has such a small tip, and if you have to reapply it several times to cover the entire sore, the whole thing just doesn't seem to stay together that well. I disliked this one so much I never even finished the package.

Zilactin-B (****) - Now we're talking! You squeeze the brown liquid onto the sore, and after 30 seconds of the worst blinding pain of your life, the medication takes over and numbs the sore pretty well. Lasts long too--but it tastes and smells awful and is conspicuously brown. One time it rubbed off and stuck on my teeth. Not graceful. But it works great.

Canker-X (****) - Unlike the Zilactin, this one tastes good, is clear, and doesn't hurt as much, but doesn't last near as long. I prefer this one to the Zilactin, but only when I know I'll have a chance to reapply it soon.

I AM ALREADY "AWARE" OF BREAST CANCER. You can stop now.

If any cancer needs an "awareness" campaign, it's skin cancer. Not only are skin cancer rates shooting through the roof, women have been so brainwashed about the desirability of tan skin that some of them will utter such apparently moronic things as "I'd rather get skin cancer than be pale." Skin cancer can be deadly. Would any woman say she'd rather get breast cancer than be pale? Then which cancer should we be raising awareness for? Melanoma is the second most common cancer in women aged 20-29, and the kicker is, it's largely preventable. You'd have to think an awareness campaign could really make a difference. But for some reason, activist women have latched onto breasts as their raison d'etre, which seems misguided in light of the concrete good that could be achieved in skin cancer prevention.

And the most ironic twist for the breast cancer "awareness" movement? One of the Susan G. Komen corporate sponsors is Wyeth, the pharmaceutical company, which markets products which actually CAUSE breast cancer (though they state that the partnership is technically "Wyeth-Chapstick Brand Lip Moisturizer).

The Morons at Barnes & Noble

This holiday season, it's all about the eBook readers, which are expected to be among the season's hottest items, even among soldiers. I know a lot of people I've talked to collectively shrug--after all, for $300 you could buy a Netbook and read books on that. But I'd bet that people who feel that way have never seen the eReaders in action. Personally, reading off of backlit screens gives me wicked eyestrain, so slogging through 300 pages off a computer screen or my iPod really isn't an appealing proposition for me. The eReaders, though, have to be seen to be believed. They are eerily paperlike. I first handled a reader at the Sony store, and when I saw the screen I assumed it was one of those pre-printed overlays that they put on dummy display models. I was stunned when I accidentally pressed a button and the screen refreshed and displayed the next page. Color me impressed. I decided that I'd get one when the prices went down and the DRM hissyfit that accompanies every new technology was resolved.

Well, that was a year ago, and we haven't made much progress on either front. Meanwhile, I'm itching to jump into the fray. I spend a lot of time on the train, giving me ample time to read material, but I hate having to lug around books. Plus, it usually takes two hands to turn pages, and anyone who's been on the Metro at 8:30 in the morning knows that that is just not possible sometimes. But I've wasted enough brain cells on my commute. I'm getting one this Christmas!

Problem is, they all stink in one way or another. Sony readers (Sony, of all companies) are better at reading different non-DRM formats, including library loans, but the DRM-strapped Kindle has a wider selection in its bookstore, along with wireless access and Wikipedia. The Wikipedia thing is a big deal for me. I've always like reading encyclopedias.

So needless to say, I've been waiting breathlessly for Barnes & Noble's new reader, which is expected to launch October 20. The problem is, they've released no details on it whatsoever. It's only ten days away, guys! What are you trying to protect? Anyway, Amazon is shipping its new Kindle International Oct. 19, and I assume it'll sell out pretty quickly, especially considering the newfound global demand, so you have to make a decision pretty quickly if you don't want to be waiting until February. Plus, if I have to undergo shoulder surgery, it would be nice to have one of these for afterwards--I'm not even sure I'll be able to play video games. The horror!

I reluctantly opted to pre-order the Kindle International, but I would have waited for B&N's reader if they had just released some confirmed specs and compatible formats on it. I can't be the only one who feels the same way, which is why I am so befuddled about the constant "no comment" from B&N reps. Again, 10 days before the NYT expects it to be released. This is why you're trading at 20 bucks a share, guys, because you're so fucking shortsighted.

EDIT: Evidently my standardized reading comprehension scores in high school were a fluke, because the announcement is to be on Oct. 20 and sales were expected to begin in November. I don't know how the NYT got the headline "Barnes & Noble E-Reader Could Come Oct. 20..." from that, but my mistake.

NFL RedZone - Phenomenal.

This past weekend, NFL RedZone was having a free preview, so I took the opportunity to watch the channel. And man, it is AWESOME. Not only do they switch to teams that are in the red zone, but they'll switch off of even them in between plays to cut to a team that's actually snapping the ball. There are always so many commercial breaks in a single game broadcast that I'm always having to get up and do something else, but this is the first time I sat down for the 1:00 games and didn't get up until they were all over (except halftime, of course). Football without the boring parts, I approve.

I also have to say, Joe Flacco looks incredibly good. I like to see CAA alumni succeeding in the NFL, even modestly, but every time I see him play, I'm legitimately impressed by the guy. Don't look now, but the Ravens are 3rd in the NFL in total yards per game, at 413.5 (the Saints and Colts are both averaging 414.2). The Ravens putting up offense on par with the Saints? Say it ain't so! Times really are a-changin. Speaking of the Saints and the CAA, Darren Sharper already has 5 interceptions this season, has already returned two of them for TDs, and is already only 83 yards away from breaking the single season interception yardage record! Egads. And he has scored 9 more touchdowns in his career than the first quarterback picked in the draft the year Sharper was drafted. Can anyone guess the QB without cheating?

Sunday Notes 9/20

-Neither the Redskins or Rams could score against a Pop Warner team, that much is for damn sure, but the Rams deserved to lose, if for no other reason than their chickenshit offensive calls. I've never understood why teams are so eager to run time off the clock right before halftime--the Rams had the ball on their own 30 with 1:12 left and (I believe) all three timeouts. That's more than a minute with all your timeouts to go 40 yards for a field goal, which in this case would have won them the game. Instead, of course, the Rams ran a couple of short plays and then let the clock run out and never came close to scoring ever again. Good job, Steve Spagnuolo. Now you're 0-2.

-Darren Sproles is one FAST motherfucker. And he absolutely broke Ed Reed's ankles on his long touchdown recepton.

-I'm kicking myself for not picking up Matt Schaub.

-All the touchdowns notwithstanding, Willis McGahee looks awfully slow.

Experience: So Fucking Overrated

As Americans, we are overly attached to the value of experience as a measure of merit and future ability. It was the experience question that dogged President Obama during his presidential campaign (as well as Sarah Palin), as his competitors scrambled to puff up every activity they'd ever done as monumental victories for humanity, much like I did on my college applications.

From a practical standpoint, the experience question dogs all of us too; when I was looking for a job (a period of time that I am grateful to leave behind), everybody wanted so much experience for menial entry-level positions, putting job seekers in an uncomfortable Catch-22: how are you supposed to gain experience in the first place if the lowest rungs of the professional ladder already require so much experience? Even if you look right now, it's not hard to find internships that claim that "previous...experience is a must." For an internship! Internships were always held out as a way for job applicants with no experience to get their foot in the door, but it's increasingly not an option. And if you look at the job listing, it's pretty much making spreadsheets, answering phones, and setting up chairs. "Yes, Ma'am, in my previous job I had a lot of experience arranging chairs, so I would make an excellent fit with your organization."

And really...if someone has 5 years of closely related experience and is applying for your internship, you know that applicant is incredibly mediocre, or maybe stagnant at best. They would probably be looking upward otherwise.

Personally, I feel that you should choose the all-around smartest person you can who fits into your company's philosophy and culture, whether they majored in economics or basketweaving, or whether they spent the last five years making spreadsheets or taping frisbee tournaments. I would guess that the vast majority of jobs you could learn as you go along, as long as you have some basic fundamental skills and are relatively sharp. In fact, I would think that in some sectors, lack of experience would even be an asset--our recent and ongoing financial meltdown is due in large part to too many people all acting the same way and never questioning the tacit assumptions that they had accepted for so long. Someone completely new to the industry may have been able to take a step back and say, "Wait a minute...is it really smart to give $750,000 mortgages to people who don't have jobs, and then bundle thousands of those mortgages and sell them while Homer Simpson's drinking bird at Moody's rubber-stamps them with AAA ratings?"

Now, of course, this is not to say that experience is worthless; I wouldn't suggest letting an air traffic controller learn his/her job on the fly. As a general rule though, I think experience is vastly overrated. I loved Ross Perot's answer in the 1992 presidential debates when he was called on to respond vis-a-vis his relative lack of experience:

"Well, they have a point. I don't have any experience in running up a 4 trillion dollar debt."

Superman, Thy Name is Troy Polamalu. And Fix Overtime.

The guy is simply amazing. The man hits like a linebacker but flies around the field with the speed and quickness of a cornerback. Also nice to see a big game from Santonio Holmes, I guy I reluctantly picked for one of my fantasy teams. I have terrible luck with wide receivers, so I start as few as humanly possible--I've seen too many 2 reception/20 yard games to rely on them too heavily.

With that said, I don't care what Cris Collinsworth thinks; sudden death overtime is a stupid idea. About 60% of overtime games are won by the coin toss winner, which is obviously way too high. And for the record, there are many more ideas than just giving both teams equal possessions, even though that's usually the straw man John Clayton or any other senile old fogey pulls out and sets on fire.

The issue to me (and the reason, presumably, the coin toss winner wins the game more often), is that it's too damn easy to just kick a field goal. The average starting field position is about the 27 yard line (I suppose you'd have to take out the touchdown returns for this argument, so let's say 25, conservatively), and you'll probably have a good field goal shot at around your opponent's 30. That's only 45 yards you have to go to win the game. Even the Lions could do that.

Ideas I thought up to fix overtime (Eat your heart out, John Clayton):
1. Keep everything the same, but disallow field goals - I like it, though I realize the average overtime game might drag on pretty long.
2. If receiving team A scores TD, game over. If team A kicks a field goal, team B gets possession. If team B scores a TD, they win, if they kick a field goal, possession switches back again - Similar to 1., but potentially can end faster.
3. Give the winner of the coin toss the choice of either starting possession at their own 10 yard line or defending the opponent taking possession at their 10 yard line - My favorite! Should be some real fireworks with this one.

Madden 10, Still Kind of a Turd

So I got Madden 10 (before the NFL season for the first time ever), and due to general boredom and being sick this week, I've played it top to bottom before the real NFL has taken a single regular-season snap. The verdict? Please, for the love of God, let NFL 2K come back so that there will be some competition to make sure the bugs get ironed out of Madden.

It plays mostly competently and looks great, but stutters at times, which happens often enough that occasionally you'll screw up a play or miss a kick due to it.

The thing that bugs me is that the AI is completely brainless. When you're on offense they basically just blitz you on every play. When you combine that with your O-line's inability to hold a block for more than 3 nanoseconds, you've pretty much got to run nothing but quick slants and screen passes all the way down the field. Don't even bother with rushing plays...they practically get to the quarterback before the handoff on rushes. And you could run 28 straight play action passes and the stupid AI would never adapt. Your 29th play could be a run and they'll still madly blitz past your cardboard O-line for a 5 yard loss. I don't even know why they put counters and misdirection plays in that game. The computer is never fooled. I guess it might be effective if playing against your friends, but unfortunately, I have none. Actually, I've never liked playing sports games against my friends because we're never equal in skill...either I can blow them away or vice versa. Anyway, I digress.

So the AI blitzes a lot, but you can still easily beat it, all the way up to All-Pro. When All-Pro ceased to be a challenge, I ramped the difficulty up to the maximum All-Madden, expecting the computer to get smarter, but it doesn't. Instead, it makes your players slower, your opponents faster, and now your teammates don't block downfield anymore. Seriously, Jason Campbell went 17/17 against me in like two and a half quarters before I had to shut the damn thing off.

Oh, and the player switch algorithm is borked too. Several times a game I press the button to switch to the nearest defender, and instead of cycling to the defender 2 feet away who's facing the offensive player and perfectly positioned to make the play, the game switches me to the defender 10 yards downfield.

This is what happens when we eschew free market capitalism with exclusivity deals.

Found a Rift in the Space-Time Continuum

And it's in my bathtub. For some reason, when I shower sometimes it feels like I've been in there for hours, and I come out and it's only been like 15 minutes. I am now convinced that there is some sort of strange time warp phenomenon occurring in there; perhaps every time I enter, the universe begins to spin around me at the speed of light, lengthening my subjective experience of time relative to the rest of the cosmos. Further investigation is warranted.

Speaking of showering, I've been catching a lot of those new "Get girl-approved hair" ads from Axe. Now first of all, a guy like, say, Johnny Depp didn't get where he is by worrying about what girls would think about his hair. That's what's so great about him. He does whatever he wants, looks like a grungy old hobo, and still is filthy rich and swimming around all day in the twat fog generated by all his lady admirers.

Second, how the fuck is that ad campaign okay? Could you imagine the backlash if we so much as suggested in advertisements that a woman should explicitly try to earn a man's approval?

Subway Veggie Subs: Get Guy-Approved Thighs
Neutrogena Facial Wash: Get a Guy-Approved Face
Vagisil: Get a Guy-Approved Vag

Instead, somehow women rule the world now and it's become the stupid, clueless men who have to fall all over themselves trying to win the approval of some herpes-infested sluts who got passed around the entire national alumni chapter of Psy U.

Evan Longoria, Model of Consistency

Check out his stats from last year vs. this year...eerily identical in about the same number of games:


It bears mentioning that his ISO and BABIP are down, so perhaps it does mean there's been a little improvement. He IS making better contact with pitches in the zone this year. I expected to see more improvement in the strikeout rate, though.

But speaking of consistency, is there anyone more amazing than Albert Pujols? Extrapolating his stats by the end of this year, he will have achieved NINE straight years of 32+ HRs, 103+ RBIs, .314+ BA, 99+ R, and .955+ OPS, and some of those years came amidst a gimpy elbow. Absolutely remarkable. Even Mark McGwire had a full season where he hit only 22 home runs.

Epilogue: eBay

Well, I submitted my post to Consumerist, but they didn't pick it up. :-(

Then I heard back from someone in eBay's customer service department, and the moron looked at the wrong auction and claimed that I wasn't charged the new fees. I replied and pointed out the right one, and I never heard back from them.

Then eBay threatened to send my account to collections.

Enjoy your $7, because you're not getting any more from me.

Now I Know How Erik Bedard Feels

For a solid two years now I've been having some pain in my shoulder, ranging at times from a mild twinge to full-on doubled over agony. It generally doesn't bother me in my day-to-day life, but I always feel it when I throw. Not only the pain, but also the unsmooth, ratchet-y feeling of my arm (like those old Transformers toys) when I go through the motion. Anyway, you have some days that it feels fine and other days where it feels like your arm is going to fall off. But you can still technically throw, more or less.

So I visited the orthopedic surgeon today, and he suspects a labrum tear, "baseball's most fearsome injury" (they are notoriously hard to diagnose; they didn't find Bedard's until they opened his shoulder up). It's three weeks of physical therapy for me, and if it doesn't improve it looks like I'm going under the knife. I'd almost opt for the surgery immediately because my body's so bad at fixing itself nowadays. When I was a kid I'd eat whatever I want and then go out and dislocate all my limbs and rip ligaments crashing into trees, and everything healed up just fine. Now at the ripe old age of 28, everything's turned chronic. Chronic shoulder pain, chronic knee pain, chronic elbow pain, it's such a sad state of affairs.

Anyway, I went almost all in on Bedard this year, and the constant will-he-play-or-won't-he-play got tiresome. I feel bad that I got so angry, because we're pretty much brothers now! I hope to see Bedard flash his 95 MPH heater in the future--it gives me some hope that I will regain my blazing 70 MPH fastball.

Seriously though, the one thing that was really encouraging is how supportive the doctors are about fixing these problems. I guess you could live with the injury for the rest of your life if you kind of take it easy from now on, so I was half-expecting the doctor to tell me how stupid I was even thinking about surgery so I could go back to playing co-ed softball. And I guess I could always play 1st base. But I dunno, it would still feel like I lost something.

RIP, Game Boy

When I was a kid, I never really had any money. Now, I'm not complaining; it's not as if I lived amongst inner-city gangbangers, so in that sense I was certainly privileged, but I definitely never had any spending money. My parents were devout members of the Korean Church of Cheapassism and so allowance was out of the question. Chores were, of course, compulsory and not a source of income.

Anyway, around the late 80s - early 90s when I was about...I guess 10 or so, the original Nintendo Game Boy came out, and we were mesmerized. Up until that point, the only portable gaming we had had were those Tiger LCD games. They were kind of fun, but they were fun in the way that Sudoku is fun; kind of enjoyable on the bus, but otherwise, eh. The Game Boy changed all that...this was portable Nintendo! So I decided that I would try to save up money to buy one. I saved every penny I ever found, earned, stole, or swindled, and after about a year or so, I had accumulated a grand total of 36 dollars, leaving me about 60 dollars short. At that rate, I'd be drawing Social Security before I could afford the damn thing. It was time for plan B: complaining to my parents.

Now, my parents have been blessed with absolutely OTHERWORLDLY powers of resistance. I swear they were raised in a gulag or something. I know that if I ever have a kid and he/she so much as looks sad at the store, I'll buy out the entire fucking Toys R Us because I'm such a damn pushover. I got teary at the mall once because the other kids were getting nice toys and I was just getting a 99 cent plastic watergun, and so I came home with nothing. I even tried to get the watergun back in the end, but my mom was having none of it. And I WAS FIVE YEARS OLD! Anyway, the point is, they don't care when I complain. So I gave up and blew 36 bucks on candy and baseball cards and a hat from Wyoming. But I never stopped coveting.

Incredibly, that Christmas, my dad bought me a Game Boy for Christmas. I say my dad because I know my mom would have flipped out if she knew how much it cost. It was by FAR the most expensive gift I'd ever gotten from them (in fact, now that I think about it, it's STILL the most expensive gift I've ever gotten from them), and I treated that thing like it was my firstborn child. I never got a scratch on the screen (not a scratch anywhere on the body either), and I kept all the papers and box and even the original plastic. Yes, sort of like Steve Carell on The 40 Year Old Virgin. And yes, I got made fun of a lot for my OCD obsession with perfection, but it was mine, and it was my baby. Even when I grew up, I never was tempted to sell or trade it in. I kept it in the box and put it on a shelf in my parents' house so I wouldn't lose it while moving around.

Well, this past weekend my family had a yard sale. And of course, without asking, they sold it. For like two bucks. Even in strict monetary terms it should be worth at least $75, probably even $100, but I wouldn't have sold it for twice that much. It hurts to think that someone might be kicking around something I so painstakingly cared for.

Pennywise and pound foolish to their last breath, my parents, who traded $100 for $2, then had the nerve to chide me for spending $30 on my glasses.

District 9

I had high hopes for District 9, the Peter Jackson-produced, Neill Blomkamp-directed sci-fi film, and I came away impressed…mostly.

I came into the film knowing very little about it, and I actually thought at first that it would primarily be a horror thriller (which it most decidedly is not; primarily, anyway). But when the ginormous alien mothership settles right above Johannesburg, SA, everything snaps into place and you realize—this is going to be an allegory about apartheid and the infamous District 6. And it is, with mixed success.

The film is presented through a faux-documentary program and opens with an explanation of the aliens’ mysterious appearance, their confinement to District 9, and the plan to forcibly relocate them to another area outside of the city. The plan is overseen by the movie’s main protagonist, Wikus van der Merwe (played by Sharlto Copley, who does an admirable job guiding van der Merwe’s evolution from bureaucratic chickenshit to moral hero of the universe), and from the way the “documentary” subjects talk of him, you know an unfortunate fate will befall him in the end. But in between, the film struggles to decide if it wants to be Schindler’s List, Dances With Wolves, or Transformers, and ultimately settles on being all three, in jarringly distinct parts.

As an allegory, District 9 is…thinly veiled. Don’t get me wrong, I wholeheartedly agree that building awareness of such atrocities is a laudable goal, but as a filmmaker, I think that the art of your craft is making me appreciate humanity’s historical potential for evil, but without shoving it down my throat. But even worse, the film doesn’t really resolve anything—you’ll understand what I mean if you watch it.

With that said, the special effects are PHENOMENAL (you’ll think the aliens are humans in suits until you realize it’s not possible) and it’s surprisingly poignant and has some funny moments. Not perfect, but definitely worth the 10 bucks.

Hollywood's Best Boyfriends: Chris Brown

I ran across this gem from People Magazine just this past December:


CHRIS BROWN, 19 YOUNG AND HAVING FUN

STATUS: Dating Rihanna, 20, since early '08.

IN TUNE: With their romance now public, the singers love to cuddle at clubs. She's "down-to-earth, real cool," Brown says. But he shoots down rumors they're cohabiting: "I'm 19! I don't want to move in with anybody yet." CHRIS'S BOYFRIEND RATING: [3 hearts]

BOYFRIEND RATING

STAY AWAY [Broken Heart]

DATE AT YOUR OWN RISK [2 hearts]

HE'S A KEEPER [3 hearts]

MARRY HIM! [4 hearts]


3 Hearts, wow! I guess you only lose 1 for beating up your girlfriend.

I know there was no way they could have known, but the point is, these articles are useless. And damaging to real people, who start to expect perfection from each other based on a 30 minute snapshot of two celebrities cuddling in Club La Vela. Let's start appreciating that everyone is, at times, both a great partner and a douche.

eBay's 5 Free Insertion Fees Scam

Did you know that eBay thinks you are a retard? Why else do they think you’d rather have $0.15 than $7.00?

So I got the annual itch last week to upgrade my computer, and Micro Center is having a killer sale on CPUs, so I decided to take the plunge and sell some of my old parts on FeeBay. Now, I’ve never been a huge fan of eBay, but I mean, you know, it gets the job done. I’m usually able to find obscure things that I can’t locally, and the relatively few times I’ve sold anything I’ve mostly had a decent experience. Even through the myriad fee increases I didn’t really complain.

But now, eBay has outdone even its own evil money-grubbing self. The site is currently promoting “5 Free Insertion Fees Every 30 Days,” which sounds appealing, but is actually a very friendly sounding way of telling you that they’re about to bend you over and jam a stick in your ass. A knobby one too.

Under eBay’s normal fee structure, you pay an insertion fee based on your starting or reserve price, a fee that starts at $0.10 and maxes out at $4.00. Then when your item sells, you are assessed a Final Value Fee based on the sale price, normally 8.75% of the first $25.00 ($2.19 max), 3.5% of any remaining portion from $25.01-$1,000 ($34.13 max), and then 1.5% of anything still remaining over $1,000.

So I sold a processor for $162.99. I should have been assessed a $0.15 insertion fee, and $7.02 in Final Value Fees for a total of $7.17.

Of course, eBay, in its infinite Godlike benevolent kindness, extended to me a free insertion fee. Under the terms of the “promotion,” the Final Value Fee formula changes to a flat 8.75% (max $20). So instead of paying $7.17, I was assessed a fee of $14.26! In return for kindly waiving $0.15, they charged me an extra $7.24.

Unfortunately, I didn’t see where I could decline the “promotion.” You may not see it either. You know why? Because you can’t—unless you “list your item and end it early then relist it 5 times”:


You will always come out worse off under the “promotion” for anything you sell that closes at $448 or below, which means just about everybody is worse off. I’m not sure I’ve ever sold anything for more than that.

The only way to get around the promotion, I have since found (other than our helpful CSR’s plan here), is to use a third-party lister. Of course, they obviously won't come out and tell you.

Fuck you, eBay. If you want to charge higher fees, fine, but hiding it in a "promotion" is just plain douchebag, pure and simple.

WTF, Brain

So I've been having this one recurring dream on a fairly consistent basis. I'm back in high school or college, and it's anywhere from 1 to 14 days until my final exam, usually in some kind of math class, and I suddenly realize that I haven't actually ever attended the class.

I have actually felt that way once in my life...during my senior year in high school, for the second semester I caught an especially vicious strain of senioritis and for a couple of weeks there I really had no idea what was going on in Calculus. I never had a strong grasp anyway, but for those couple of weeks I literally knew nothing. Of course I had to cram up before finals and I passed, but that has to be the most unsettling feeling there is.

I think my final exam dreams + the dreams I have about snakes + the dreams I have about my teeth falling out comprise roughly 75% of all the dreams I have. What bullshit. If my head contained even two functional brain cells to rub together, it would create me dreams about threesomes every night. To this day I've had about 1,700 dreams about snakes and 0 threesomes. Someone just shoot me.

WTF, Tim McCarver

So I'm watching the All-Star Game and President Obama is in the broadcast booth. He asks the inevitable question--why has the American League been so dominant for the past 12 years in All Star Game play? Joe Buck points to Tim McCarver, who then opens his mouth and farts out one of the dumbest statements I've ever heard from the broadcast booth:

"Because of the DH."

He must have immediately realized that there is no DH in NL parks, because he quickly mumbled that even in NL parks the lineups are better or something like that. Notwithstanding the fact that in AL parks, the NL would also get a DH, I can't even begin to think about how senile you have to be to think that's the reason for 12 straight AL wins.

Incidentally, the second dumbest (or if not dumbest, most poorly timed) statement I've ever heard from the broadcast booth was also from Tim McCarver, who during the 2005 World Series was commenting on Brad Lidge's shaky outing in the NLCS (when he gave up a home run to Albert Pujols that still hasn't landed yet) and declaring "I don't think that [bad] taste is still there" literally a split second before he grooved a pitch that Scott Podsednik, of all people, knocked out of the park.

BONUS TIM MCCARVER COVERAGE:

I'm not sure if Tim meant to say that Shane Victorino is the only current position player in the majors from Hawaii or the only position player, ever, but he'd be wrong on both counts. Benny Agbayani was a position player from Hawaii, and so is active catcher Kurt Suzuki.

Biggest Fantasy Regrets, Midseason Edition

Usually I spend this time bitching about how half the players on the All-Star roster don't deserve to be there, but this year I actually don't have much to complain about...I don't even mind Jeter being there this year (Josh Hamilton, though, is another story).

So instead, I'm going to spend this time going over my biggest regrets thus far in fantasy baseball this year. And there are a lot of them, but here are the top 3.

1. Drafting Alfonso Soriano - Evidently, pitchers finally found out the secret to getting Soriano out this year--stop throwing him fastballs, because he just can't hit anything else.

2. Not picking up Ben Zobrist - At one point more than a month ago, I had my mouse cursor hovering over Zobrist with the intention of picking him up to fill the gigantic hole I had at 2B. I decided not to because I wasn't sure he'd have steady playing time, but then Iwamura went down for the season and now his 17 HRs and 11 steals are cooking on someone else's roster.

3. Spending too much on catchers - Even if you have a good catcher, they miss so many ABs that their impact in comparison to lesser-rated catchers is smaller than you'd think.

The Most Overrated Books in History

Before I begin, I have to mention that I looked up Werth's home run on Hit Tracker and it definitely wasn't the longest home run ever hit. It wasn't even the longest home run hit this year. It wasn't even the longest home run hit this year by Jayson Werth. It clocked in at a pathetic 421 feet. I stand corrected.

With that said, I have been reading books for over 3 years and now think that I can critically evaluate them:

5. The Great Gatsby - I had to read this book in high school, and back then I thought it sucked. Well, I still think it sucks. Anyway, the problem is that high school kids have to read all these books that would make much more sense in 10 years, but at the time, they just can't relate. Who at that age has loved and lost and gotten rich and then loved and lost again? Probably nobody. Even with that in mind, this plodding, depressing soap opera of a snoozer has it all, from philandering husbands to unrequited love to getting shot by a jealous husband in your swimming pool. If you don't know the plot yet, don't read that last sentence. What is the symbolism of the color white? Who gives a shit? It's not the 20s anymore.

4. Any book by Jane Austen - I realize that a woman writing books in that era was a big deal back then; I mean, hell, I haven't even written a book myself, so more power to her. The societal significance is not lost on me. But OH MY GOD. I don't need a book to spend 200 pages telling me that so-and-so young golddigger bitch is trying to marry Mr. Moneybags who is engaged to her older sister.

3. Finnegan's Wake - Anyone who tells you that he/she understands Finnegan's Wake, much less considers it a masterpiece of literature, is lying. The kind of person who likes this book is the same person who drinks white zinfandel and enjoys the smell of his own farts. Don't get me wrong--we all enjoy the smell of our own farts, but these douchebags think that YOU should enjoy them too. I dare you to comprehend the first page. I honestly think this book was a joke on Joyce's part, sort of like Piero Manzoni's cans of artist's shit (which he successfully sold for their weight in gold). Fucking douchebag bourgeousie.

2. The Catcher in the Rye - I first read this in 4th grade because it had curse words. Even back then I thought that it had the most unlikeable protagonist in the history of literature. You got kicked out of prep school, cry me a river. Try walking home from school in Anacostia, and then write us a book, you whiny bitch.

1. War and Peace - How many people have actually finished this book? I mean, honestly.

It Might Be...Holy Cow

Thanks to the wonder of the Internet, I've seen footage of just about every exceptionally long home run ever hit in the last two or three seasons. A couple of shots by Adam Dunn and Richie Sexson have always stood out to me (no surprise), but it's time to add Jayson Werth (!) to that list:

http://mlb.mlb.com/media/video.jsp?mid=200906275269281&c_id=phi

Holy shit. That's gotta be one of the longest home runs I've ever seen. I tried to go to Hit Tracker to check, but the site is down right now. I targeted Jayson Werth heavily as a late sleeper in all my leagues, and he's currently on pace for a .271/34/97 line with 23 steals. Not bad for a guy I got as late as the 16th round.

But before anyone thinks I'm gloating about my fantasy baseball acumen, I should also point out that I targeted Jonathan Sanchez heavily as a late round sleeper too.

Hard and Fruity Now, Root Canal Later

Growing up, my favorite candy was unquestionably the venerable Now and Later (am I just a pervert or is "Hard and Fruity Now, Soft and Chewy Later" vaguely erotic?). Of course, despite the deliciously tangy flavor, the candy had the texture and hardness of industrial plastic. Even when you did manage to sink your chompers into it, as you tried to separate your jaws the candy had the unfortunate side effect of ripping the roots of your teeth clean out of your head. I recently stumbled across a pack while in West Virginia (don't ask), and it is as toothpulverizingly delicious as I remember. Nowadays, since my teeth are not so much teeth as they are composite resin filling, I have to heat them up in the microwave for a few seconds before trying to chew them. So unfortunately, at this juncture in my life, that's just too much hassle.

But lo and behold, one Google search later...

http://www.amazon.com/Later-Soft-Assorted-Taffy-candy/dp/B000T9QVA0/ref=pd_sim_gro_1

Somebody at that company DOES listen to feedback, albeit 20 years late!

Well...

I think William and Mary Asparagus is kind of catchy.

Welcome to the Nats, Stephen!

Last year I would have made a joke about the Nationals' run support, but surprise! They rank 16th in the majors in total runs and 8th in OPS. Wow. Maybe it really is the pitching that is holding them back.

With that said, I'm sick and tired of all the "#1 drafted pitchers never amount to anything, so Strasburg will be a bust" articles that keep popping up and spreading around the Internet like genital warts at a music festival. I'm not so blinded by excitement that I think Strasburg is impervious to injury or general suck, but those articles are pointless. So what, 13 pitchers have been drafted #1 and none have been Hall of Famers or Cy Young winners. Big deal. You can say the same thing about the 2nd pick or the 3rd pick, as far as I can tell. The problem is that when you compare 13 guys to ALL THE PITCHERS WHO HAVE EVER BEEN DRAFTED, of course those guys will look bad. Compare all the #1 picks to all the #2 picks or all the #500 picks and you might even see that the #1 picks were better as a group (pure conjecture). Of course, you'd expect that the 1st pick is slightly surer that the 500th pick, but in baseball, that's about all you can say. When you see a guy you like, you take him. Thirteen guys does not a sufficient sample make.

I hope we see Strasburg soon, but until then, his face will haunt my dreams:

MLB's Heavy Handed Media Policy

You can find just about anything on Youtube...Ryan Clark destroying Wes Welker, Fratellis music videos, the Numa Numa guy, Alex Ovechkin's amazing goal against the Coyotes, but you'll never see any MLB broadcast highlights because the league governs them with an iron fist.

I understand the need to enforce copyright infringement policies, but here's the stupid thing--I can't get that content anywhere else! I desperately want video of Ichiro's record-breaking 258th hit of the 2004 season. I used to be able to watch it on Youtube, but once MLB had it taken down, I had no recourse. You want to sell a DVD of it, fine. You want sell a video highlight online, fine. I'm willing to pay for it. But to take down the Youtube videos and not even offer it anywhere just engenders bad will. You'd think that now, when baseball is reeling under some of the worst publicity it's ever had to endure, that offering free highlights of some heartwarming moments would do them some good. But then again, baseball was never the forward-looking sport that...all the other sports are.

Fake Statistics

Granted, a lot of fantasy baseball wouldn't be quite as fun without the array of counting statistics that are a part of the game, but let's face it--there are a lot of bullshit statistics made up simply to make guys happy with their roles on their teams...namely:

- Saves: So you pitched one inning without giving up 3 runs...congratulations champ.

- Holds: Middle relievers need the love too, but this one's just dumb, especially if you can get a hold AND take a loss all at the same time.

- Wins: Yes, even the venerable win is a total bullshit statistic. How is it fair that a guy can pitch 9 innings and get a no-decision but the win goes to the guy who throws four pitches and gets one out?

- Pancake Blocks: Yes, switching gears to football, this one is asinine. You make 15 million dollars! So you don't have a blocking statistic, big deal.

Tale of the Tape

One guy I have in my head-to-head fantasy baseball league who is killing me is Chris Davis. We all joke that guys like Ryan Howard and Jack Cust are basically "Three True Outcomes," namely, during a typical AB, they'll walk, strikeout, or homer, and not much else. Well Chris Davis is just like that, only without the walks. Maybe we'll have to make up a new moniker for him - Two True Outcomes.

Davis has basically been the ugliest player in the league. In just 108 at-bats, he's struck out a mind-boggling is-that-a-typo 50 times. He's hit 9 home runs and just 13 singles. He has made contact with about 57% of the pitches he's swung at, which would be a shitty contact rate in the Little Leagues, much less the big leagues. You know how as a kid you'd throw a tennis ball up in the air to yourself and then wind your whole body up to hit the ball as far as you could and you fell down after swinging? That's this guy every time he comes up to the plate. What an asshole. My league penalizes strikeouts, and I also own Ryan Howard and Alfonso Soriano, so needless to say, I've punted that category out of necessity.

On the other hand, what can you say about Albert Pujols that hasn't been said already? The man was simply born to play baseball--he has more home runs (13) than he does strikeouts (11)! A player like him comes along once per generation. I consider him peerless in the sport today. There are guys who hit for more power, there are guys who hit for a better average, and there are guys who are better fielders, but nobody puts it all together quite like Pujols does.

What Happened to Overachieving Child Movies?

Sometimes I enjoy watching campy 80s films that I liked as a kid. For some reason, the 80s were filled with movies of middle school children who do ridiculously spectacular things, like going up in space (Space Camp), developing a military-grade laser weapon (Real Genius), nearly starting World War III (WarGames), flying an F-16 fighter jet (Iron Eagle), flying a UFO (Flight of the Navigator), or saving the galaxy in a space warcraft (The Last Starfighter). I kind of miss those movies, even though it really bugged me that in Space Camp, the kids' hair doesn't float around while they're in orbit.

And now, your moment of zen:

Small Sample Size Alert! Manager's Edition

Phillies pitcher Chan Ho Park is currently getting lit up like Christmas tree, and I wonder what the hell Charlie Manuel was thinking when he decided to give Park a job out of Spring Training. Now I've met Charlie Manuel, and he's a really nice guy, but the dude is not Bill James by a longshot. Unfortunately, a lot of managers (not just Charlie) also make the mistake of handing jobs to players who perform well for three or four weeks. Sure, Chan Ho Park was great for 1 month, but he's been terrible for 7. Seven SEASONS.

I think that Spring Training stats do matter, at least in two situations:

- Rookies with little major league experience: Small sample sizes apply here too, of course, but when you don't know what the player's true ceiling is, there's a possibility that that is it.

- Players rehabbing from injury: If a player rakes in ST, it may not necessarily tell you how good he is, but at least it can tell you if he's healthy or not.

Other guys with established track records and ceilings, like Park or Austin Kearns, should be viewed with a jaundiced eye when they massively outperform their career numbers. Players who suddenly learn to hit or pitch at age 35 are exceedingly rare.

So Sick of Stupidity

Listen, I'm not Stephen Hawking or anything, and I'll even admit that until about last week, I thought America was named after Amerigo Vespucci (it was probably named after Richard Amerik. I never really questioned why it wasn't called "Vespuccia," as custom would dictate.) I've met many people who are far more brilliant than I, people who are inventing wonderful things and making vital discoveries while I bitch on the Internet. Though I *did* invent Cheesy Bread, but that was in like 3rd grade. What can I say? I peaked early.

But with that said, I've just about had it with dumb people. It's okay to have a different opinion than me, but, you know...have a good reason. Please. I just read a post from a guy who claims that since there are only 25 confirmed cases of swine flu, but 400 people are struck by lightning every year, then you must have a better chance of getting struck by lightning! Oh God. I hope swine flu comes around to my nose and takes me away from these idiots.

Can you imagine what the world would be like without dumb people?

- Spam would not exist because nobody would be stupid enough to send his or her credit card number to someone who types like PleeZE YOURE WOMAN with supppperzize PENIS ci@lis

- No more e-mail forwards about how plastic bottles give you cancer or IF YOU DON'T EMAIL THIS TO TEN PEOPLE IN THE NEXT TEN MINUTES YOU'LL HAVE BAD LUCK FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE BUT AT LEAST PEOPLE WON'T KNOW HOW YOU LACK A SINGLE INDEPENDENT THOUGHT IN THAT TINY BRAIN OF YOURS.

- I'd never have to drive behind someone texting ever again.

- I'd never have to wait beind someone who repeatedly sticks their farecard backwards into the turnstile and wonders why it's not working EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVE A FUCKING PICTURE OF THE CARD SLIDING INTO THE SLOT RIGHT IN FRONT OF IT.

- We could finally make progress as a species by throwing out our illogical, baseless arguments. Emotion and bias will always be a part of us, but knowing when it's not appropriate to rely on and acknowledging that fact moves us closer to true harmony and further away from the logical equivalent of putting our hands over our ears and screaming like petulant children.

SWINE FLU, TAKE ME HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!

STEAMY LOVE CONFESSIONS FROM REAL MEN

Anytime you flip through an issue of Cosmopolitan (don't lie, everyone has), the headlines scream shit like "STEAMY LOVE CONFESSIONS FROM GUYS" and "THE CUTE THINGS ABOUT YOU THAT HE'D NEVER ADMIT." But instead of real, honest confessions, like "The first time I fingered my wife I wiped my hand off on the back of her shirt," it's bullshit like "I love the way my wife crinkles her nose when I burn the lasagna on our weekly date night, but I would never tell her, LOL! :-)" Obviously written by a woman. Well Cosmo, here are some really honest male confessions for you to put in your magazine. Ready, women?

1. You look ridiculous when you're overtanned, all I can think about is how in ten years you'll be sitting out on the balcony with a cigarette dangling out of your leathery orange mouth.

2. You look like a giant bug when you wear those huge Mary Kate and Ashley Olson sunglasses.

3. If you can wear high heels and do it gracefully, great. But you might as well wear flats if you're going to be wobbling all over the place like you're drunk and have had too many penises in your ass.

4. An imperfect woman who is confident in herself is much sexier than someone who obsesses about every aspect of her body.

5. We wish you'd stop fucking bitching about the glass ceiling until you've paid for 649 dinners and movies that ended up never going anywhere. And I never hear you whine about your half-price oil changes and no cover charge bars, you hypocritical bitch.

6. You're not hot shit because guys have sex with you. Guys will have sex with anything. Cover the face and fuck the base, the mantra of our generation.

7. If you're allowed to say "I don't date men who are bald," we're allowed to say "I don't date women with small breasts." Yeah, doesn't feel good, does it? (I'm not bald, but I am Asian, which is much worse.)

Stuff That Only Interests Me

I like looking at the batter vs. pitcher statistics because they make me feel like I'm using strategy when most of the time, I'm really not, because the sample sizes are way too small. I'll never forget the day that I sat Jeff Francoeur against Carlos Zambrano based on his 0-8 career record versus Big Z and watched him hit a home run. Still, you find out some crazy shit sometimes. Like A-Rod...the guy is 20 for 53 lifetime against Roger Clemens, but he just can't hit Sidney Ponson, of all people! (Granted, when he does make contact against Sidney, the ball goes a long way, but still.)

A-Rod vs. Sidney Ponson - 13-69, 3 BB, 19 K, 6 HR, 18 RBI

How about Albert Pujols?

Albert Pujols vs. Wandy Rodriguez - 3-20, 6 BB, 1 K, 0 HR, 0 RBI

And finally, the big boy, Barry Bonds, who has trouble hitting a guy the Giants just lit up last week. The Giants! My beer league softball team has more power than that lineup.

Barry Bonds vs. Jeff Suppan - 2-14, 2 BB, 0 K, 1 HR, 3 RBI

Gotta Resist

Every day I've opened up the daily scoring for my rotisserie fantasy baseball league to watch my progress updating in real-time with each JJ Hardy popout and Brad Lidge gopherball. Needless to say, it hasn't been pretty, but more importantly, we're in what...the third week of the season? Anything that happens today is just a blip compared to the totality of the season.

So tomorrow, for the first time...ever (outside of the times when I didn't have access to the Internet), I have vowed not to look at the scoring. And hopefully not the day after. Or after that...until the All-Star break! It's like detox.

We'll see how long that lasts.

American Idle

By now everyone has seen the clip of Susan Boyle bringing down the house on Britain's Got Talent. Who would have thought that the never-been-kissed old crazy cat lady (not being derogatory, she actually says that she's never been kissed...and has a cat) like the one who works the checkout line at my grocery store would have a voice like that? They also totally make her seem like she's a pig the way they immediately cut to her stuffing a sandwich in her mouth:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY (can't embed, sorry)

Now I wish that's what American Idol was like. I know that there's an age limit and the whole goal is to find someone who looks like a rock star as much as they sound like one, but frankly, I'm tired of watching angsty douchebags in tight leather pants every week who once had record deals that didn't pan out because, surprise...they're just not good at making music when they have to write the words themselves. I thought that the appeal of the show was that you'd be surprised by ordinary people who you really didn't expect to have an ounce of talent but actually had a lot. Like crazy cat lady.

So I think that the show is pretty much stagnating. I only used to watch that show for the weirdos anyway, but now they'll kill themselves if you criticize them, apparently, so even that's out of the question.

Small Sample Size Alert!

From the title of this post, you're probably guessing that I'm going to spend the entire thing hating on Emilio Bonifacio. Not true. I'm only going to spend half of the post hating on him, if even that much.

This guy has spent the past two years getting passed around the league like a case of herpes at the University of South Carolina and is about equally as physically attractive. He strikes out twice as much as he walks, and prior to this season had stolen all of 7 bases in almost 200 major league at-bats...out of 12 attempts! His career on-base percentage was exactly .300 coming into 2009.

There's a funny phenomenon in psychology called the anchoring heuristic, where your initial information becomes the "anchor" and is subsequently very difficult to change. It's why first impressions are so important. If Bonifacio started out hitting .150 the first couple of weeks and then hit .471 or whatever at the end of the season, nobody would bat an eyelash. He's a .150 hitter who had one fluke week, right? Well when he hits .150 next week, you'll be tempted to think of that as the fluke, when the fluke was really last week. He was just fortunate to have his best week of the season happen to come at the very beginning.

But whatever. I don't look down on anyone who grabbed him. Life is a game of risk and reward, and who knows? But let's not forget the lesson of Chris Shelton in 2006. The odds aren't in your favor.

Gambler's Fallacy Revisited

A lot of times when evaluating baseball players, people are tempted to think that if a player struggles mightily in the first half (below their career averages), then in the second half, in order to reach those career averages, the player will naturally perform far above the norm. So for example, if a career .300 hitter bats .200 over the first half of the season, it is very tempting to think that he’ll hit .400 over the second half of the season so that it all averages out to .300 over the whole year.

Unfortunately, as the fantasy baseball articles invariably point out every all-star break, that is not what you should expect. It’s a variation of the Gambler’s Fallacy—if you flip a coin and get ten heads in a row, then a lot of people would expect the eleventh flip to be tails because it’s “due.” But it’s easy to see that no matter what’s happened in the past, that eleventh flip is still 50-50. The twelfth flip is still 50-50. You could get 99 heads in a row and the hundredth flip is still 50-50. The past doesn’t affect the future probability at all. In the same way, if a .300 batter bats .200 in the first half, he’s not going to bat .400 in the second half—he’ll bat .300 in the second half.

Mathematically, the principle is sound, but what the fantasy baseball writers ignore is that unlike a coin flip, baseball performance is NOT random. I think one could speculate that a player may indeed exceed his career averages after a period of struggling because his surroundings adapt to that performance. For example, perhaps if a player struggles for a long time, he gets moved down in the order where pitchers are not as careful with him (such as right in front of the pitcher’s batting slot). Or perhaps pitchers are simply not as careful because due to the subpar half-season, he is not perceived as a threat anymore. I don’t have the time or the wherewithal to do a proper analysis, but my impression is that there are so many factors that it is disingenuous to reduce it to a simple Gambler’s Fallacy.

Phrases Which Irk Me

Yes, it's no secret that certain phrases just grind my gears. The two offenders I heard today:

- "No offense, but...": Ironically, the way a smug asshole informs you that he's about to offend you is that he prefaces it with the claim that he means no offense. With that said, I have NEVER heard anyone say "no offense" before a statement and actually mean it.

- "I got pregnant": I know that this is the way you express the thought, so whatever. But "got" is just so passive. How did the statement become so passive? It sounds like the woman was sitting at home doing crossword puzzles after her evening prayers and then suddenly a holy gob of semen materialized in her unsuspecting uterus. Instead of "I got pregnant" it would be much more accurate to say, "I opened my legs and let a guy blow his load inside me and one of his little swimmers slipped past my goalie and now I'm throwing up in the morning."

And at center, number 42...

Unfortunately, Morehead State beat Alabama State in today's play-in game, which means that we will not be seeing any more of ASU's center, Grlenntys Chief Kickingstallionsims. As tempted as you are to figure that there must be only one Grylenntys Chief Kickingstallionsims in the entire world, you would be wrong! There is another, and it's his dad. You'd think that the one person who would know about the difficulty of having a name like that would want to spare his son the same trauma, but I guess not. Then again, it's not as bad as "Eugene."

His mom's name is Barbara Paulson, if you're wondering. I know I was.

Stewart v. Cramer

I usually don't blog about things like this (let's leave the punditry to the Huffington Post), but I'm watching Jon Stewart's interview with Jim Cramer, and all I have to say is "wow." Jon is really turning the screws on Jim (who admittedly has been uncharacteristically gracious to this point). I wonder if he knew that he was going to be walking into a minefield. He couldn't have possibly thought that he could exonerate himself--or could he?

Anyway, it's nice to see someone asking some tough questions, and from a comedian, no less! If Jon Stewart killed Crossfire, I hope he can also kill CNBC. If the current crisis has taught us anything, it's that we need to start questioning all the assumptions we've been making about finance and compliance and accounting and human nature and all sorts of things we've always believed were true, or at the very least, benign. The LAST thing the world needs right now is another sycophant like Erin Burnett or Maria Bartiromo. Or that guy who interviewed Allen Stanford, can't remember his name right now...

Perennially Overdrafted Guys

Every year I see these guys drafted way sooner than they should be (in fact, I picked one of them):

Ichiro - This kills me, because Ichiro is my favorite player. But I have never once had the chance to acquire him, because he ALWAYS goes much higher than he should. I've even seen him picked in the second round! He's done some incredible things in his career, but that doesn't really change the fact that he's basically Juan Pierre with a little more power and a higher batting average but fewer steals.

Jon Papelbon - Was the 25th(!) pick in one of my leagues last year. Outside of the questionable decision of devoting an early third round pick to a guy who's not even going make a huge impact on the bottom line with a paltry 70 innings of work, I daresay ANYONE who picks a closer this early has neither the resulting team nor the brains to succeed that year. Verily, it came to pass.

Barry Zito - Look, I know the guy won a Cy Young and banged Alyssa Milano, but that was like ages ago. (Who in the league didn't bang Alyssa Milano? I wonder if it was weird when Brad Penny was being caught by Russell Martin, that should have been super awkward. "Hey, throw a fastball inside. Oh, and thanks for the burning sensation when I pee.")

Derek Jeter - At this point in his career, he's pretty much Placido Polanco, only a very expensive Placido Polanco.

Michael Young - At this point in his career, he's pretty much Placido Polanco, only a pretty expensive Placido Polanco.

Freddy Sanchez - At this point in his career, he's pretty much Placido Polanco, only a slightly expensive Placido Polanco.

Promotional considerations for this blog post provided in part by: Placido Polanco

5 Fantasy Managers I Don't Particularly Care For

5. The Hardass - Amazingly, despite being in damn near last place, this guy refuses all trade offers, hanging onto his tenth round pick like he was a life preserver in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle. YOU ARE IN LAST PLACE, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE? This is sort of like the Detroit Lions punting on 4th and short. Or 4th and long, for that matter.

4. The Sum-is-Greater-Than-its-Parts Guy - This is the guy who offers you everyone on his bench for your best player. Sure, if you add up all the guys they might hit 50 homers, but that's a lot less impressive when it requires nine roster spots to achieve.

3. The Quitter - This is the guy who got to the section of Bushido in his East Asian History textbook and scratched his head in utter confusion. Calculates his chances of winning the league and once they fall below a certain threshold, that's all folks. He might as well have joined the witness protection program.

2. The Taciturn - After painstakingly crafting a trade proposal which benefits you and is not insulting to your trade partner, you send it off and then check your e-mail every five minutes in the hope that he has responded positively to your offer. Minutes turn to days. You fret--perhaps the offer was too insulting? Days turn to weeks. Perhaps he's just thinking it over? At one month, it's official--nobody's at the helm.

1. The Sheep - Does not possess a single independent bone in his body. Fifteen minutes after player X is written up in a fantasy strategy column, this guy is flying off the waiver wire. Drafts all the published "sleepers" in the second through seventh rounds, thereby defeating the very purpose and definition of a sleeper.

Famous Alumni

Universities (and even high schools) often publish long lists of distinguished alumni to try to take credit for their success. This is bunk. Harvard turns out successful alumni not necessarily because they create successful people, but because they pre-select out all the successful people before they enter the school.

But with that said, even if a school wants to take credit for all the successful alumni, shouldn't they also accept the blame for the unsuccessful ones? I think all college brochures should be required to list one infamous alumnus with every famous one.

Experience Harvard:

John Hancock, 1754
George W. Bush, '75
Henry David Thoreau, 1837
The Unabomber, '62
W.E.B. DuBois, 1890
Alger Hiss, '29
Natalie Portman, '03
Jonathan Taylor Thomas, '04

Now imagine if the Unabomber had gone to state school, which has a slightly lower proportion of stuffy Philips Academy grads. It might not even have a rowing team! He would have had fun eating ramen and playing frisbee and maybe wouldn't have blown so many people up. It all goes to show, you gotta find the right school for you.

Five More Predictions For the 2009 MLB Season

I make five predictions every year and I always get them all wrong except for one, which I reproduce for each installment. Without further ado:

5. World Series Champion - New York Yankees. This kills me, it really does. As for the NL? Surprise! The LA Dodgers.

4. Biggest Surprise - Dare I say it? Cincinnati Reds

3. Cy Young - Brandon Webb/Josh Beckett

2. World Baseball Classic Winner - Japan

And since I have to get at least one right:

1. AL Hits Leader - Ichiro

And the Academy Award Goes To...

Does anybody really care? I have a perfect track record of predicting Oscar winners, and the formula basically works like this: the more difficult it is for me to stay awake during the movie, the more Oscars it wins. This heuristic has proved its worth all the way from Gone With the Wind to Dances With Wolves and The English Patient. Therefore, I predict that this year's big winner will be The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which was the movie equivalent of taking 12 anti-allergy tablets washed down with a bottle of Nyquil. Throw away the Ambien and put this puppy in your Netflix queue, 'cause it's a snoozer.

Aggravating Marketing Spin

In my line of work, obviously we have to make things sound more useful and/or interesting, but these phrases have been WAAAAAY overutilized:

1. Leverage: Why say "Using your resources" when you can say "Leveraging your resources" and achieve twice the impact and ten times the douchebaggery?

2. Solutions: It's okay to use this word if you have just proved Fermat's Last Theorem. Otherwise, just stick with "products" and you won't sound quite as pretentious.

3. Value-Add: I would hope something that I'm paying for adds value.

4. Anything that starts with "e-": I think that the Internet is a recognized and well-entrenched part of the fabric of our society now, so we can stop saying that we had e-conversations over e-mail making e-dates for our e-calendars. Close second: anything that starts with "i-".

Driving Me Crazy

I don't know what it is about people being inside their cars, but evidently they believe that their windows are lined with tinted lead or something, because the things I see people doing in their cars is ridiculous. I've seen people:

-Eating, and I don't mean snacking on Skittles, this bitch had a Subway sandwich and chips on her lap.
-Picking their noses
-Picking their ears
-Sticking their fingers in their mouths after picking their noses and/or ears
-Doing makeup
-Singing (not regular singing but fucking ROCKING OUT)
-Texting (if I see you texting I WILL get in front of you and I WILL flick you off through my sunroof for thinking that my life is less important than your "LOL ur crazee gurl!")

What I think we should do, which will cut down on driver stupidity, is that instead of license plates, everyone should be required to stick their full name and picture on the front and back of their cars. Then maybe people won't be so damn incompetent on the road.

Boy, Baseball is a Mess

And I thought that even before the A-Rod revelations came out. It was a little surprising to me that he was on the juice, because he's always been so lean. But then again, THIS guy was named in the Mitchell Report:

I guess you can't always rely on size, because Nook Logan has to be the skinniest guy in the entire league. If it turns out Ichiro was on the juice, I quit watching baseball altogether.

The other serious problem with baseball, in my estimation, is the absence of a salary cap. It's simply not good for the game, and I say that not as a fan, but purely from a business perspective. When there are just several perennially dominant teams, there is sizable risk of the erosion of the fanbases of lesser teams, who will simply lose interest in their hometown squads. For example, I have virtually no interest anymore in attending Orioles games unless there's something intriguing to me peripheral to league competition. I just know that we're going to get squashed every year by New York and Boston (and now Tampa), so my enthusiasm is pretty much in the toilet. So as fans, we stop showing up, we stop caring, we stop buying jerseys...pretty soon the whole country is just Yankees, Red Sox, and Cubs fans.

So as if there isn't enough already to dislike about baseball, I hope the Yankees enjoy their pyrrhic victory; even if they don't destroy the league, CC Sabathia will eat them all.

Best. Fantasy Team. Ever.

Every year I joke that if in the middle of the season, if I'm just too far back to ever catch up, then I will dump all my players and create the ultimate theme fantasy squad. Usually I throw out Team Asia (every roster spot filled by an Asian guy) or Team Carlos (every roster spot filled by a Carlos). Today I actually wondered if I could make those whole teams and if they'd be any good. Let's take a look:

Team Asia:

1B: -
2B: Kaz Matsui
SS: Chin Lung Hu
3B: Akinori Iwamura
C: Kenji Johjima
OF: Ichiro
OF: Hideki Matsui
OF: Shin Soo Choo
Flex: Kosuke Fukudome
SP: Daisuke Matsuzaka
SP: Chien Ming Wang
SP: Hiroki Kuroda
RP: Hong Chih Kuo
RP: Takashi Saito

Not a bad team (if a bit power-deficient), though I admit that it was harder filling out the slots than I expected. It's too bad Hee Seop Choi left the league; I was hoping to flesh out a full squad and just fell a 1B short. As one would expect, the depth of pitching far exceeds positional depth.

Team Carlos:

1B: Carlos Pena
2B: -
SS: -
3B: Carlos Guillen
C: Carlos Ruiz
OF: Carlos Beltran
OF: Carlos Lee
OF: Carlos Quentin
Flex: Carlos Delgado
SP: Carlos Zambrano
SP: Carlos Silva
SP: -
RP: Carlos Villanueva
RP: Carlos Marmol

Now that is a damn good team! The pitching/positional balance tips over to the other side here. But one thing's for sure: you could win any league in the country with a team of just Asians and Carloses.