Before I begin, I have to mention that I looked up Werth's home run on Hit Tracker and it definitely wasn't the longest home run ever hit. It wasn't even the longest home run hit this year. It wasn't even the longest home run hit this year by Jayson Werth. It clocked in at a pathetic 421 feet. I stand corrected.
With that said, I have been reading books for over 3 years and now think that I can critically evaluate them:
5. The Great Gatsby - I had to read this book in high school, and back then I thought it sucked. Well, I still think it sucks. Anyway, the problem is that high school kids have to read all these books that would make much more sense in 10 years, but at the time, they just can't relate. Who at that age has loved and lost and gotten rich and then loved and lost again? Probably nobody. Even with that in mind, this plodding, depressing soap opera of a snoozer has it all, from philandering husbands to unrequited love to getting shot by a jealous husband in your swimming pool. If you don't know the plot yet, don't read that last sentence. What is the symbolism of the color white? Who gives a shit? It's not the 20s anymore.
4. Any book by Jane Austen - I realize that a woman writing books in that era was a big deal back then; I mean, hell, I haven't even written a book myself, so more power to her. The societal significance is not lost on me. But OH MY GOD. I don't need a book to spend 200 pages telling me that so-and-so young golddigger bitch is trying to marry Mr. Moneybags who is engaged to her older sister.
3. Finnegan's Wake - Anyone who tells you that he/she understands Finnegan's Wake, much less considers it a masterpiece of literature, is lying. The kind of person who likes this book is the same person who drinks white zinfandel and enjoys the smell of his own farts. Don't get me wrong--we all enjoy the smell of our own farts, but these douchebags think that YOU should enjoy them too. I dare you to comprehend the first page. I honestly think this book was a joke on Joyce's part, sort of like Piero Manzoni's cans of artist's shit (which he successfully sold for their weight in gold). Fucking douchebag bourgeousie.
2. The Catcher in the Rye - I first read this in 4th grade because it had curse words. Even back then I thought that it had the most unlikeable protagonist in the history of literature. You got kicked out of prep school, cry me a river. Try walking home from school in Anacostia, and then write us a book, you whiny bitch.
1. War and Peace - How many people have actually finished this book? I mean, honestly.
2 comments:
Good call on Gatsby. And I like your analysis that Finnegan's is a ruse perpetrated on the public.
Though a different media, I reached the same conclusion about EYES WIDE SHUT. I truly believe Kubrick said to himself: "I know what I'll do, I'll make a horribly long film that could easily be half as long if each character didn't repeat the other's lines incessantly [watch it again if you didn't realize this the first time!] about absolutely nothing, but make it appear that it is really deep and poignant... it will be my last hurrah and a final F YOU to the gliterrati elitists out there!"
I swear one day we'll find that in a letter somewhere. You'll see.
YES. That movie blows, not just literally. I love reading the reviews for terrible films like that. Here's Roger Ebert's take:
"Kubrick's great achievement in the film is to find and hold an odd, unsettling, sometimes erotic tone for the doctor's strange encounters."
I would never have thought of filming a movie in low light with naked people. What a visionary!
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