And the Academy Award Goes To...

Does anybody really care? I have a perfect track record of predicting Oscar winners, and the formula basically works like this: the more difficult it is for me to stay awake during the movie, the more Oscars it wins. This heuristic has proved its worth all the way from Gone With the Wind to Dances With Wolves and The English Patient. Therefore, I predict that this year's big winner will be The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which was the movie equivalent of taking 12 anti-allergy tablets washed down with a bottle of Nyquil. Throw away the Ambien and put this puppy in your Netflix queue, 'cause it's a snoozer.