Anytime you flip through an issue of Cosmopolitan (don't lie, everyone has), the headlines scream shit like "STEAMY LOVE CONFESSIONS FROM GUYS" and "THE CUTE THINGS ABOUT YOU THAT HE'D NEVER ADMIT." But instead of real, honest confessions, like "The first time I fingered my wife I wiped my hand off on the back of her shirt," it's bullshit like "I love the way my wife crinkles her nose when I burn the lasagna on our weekly date night, but I would never tell her, LOL! :-)" Obviously written by a woman. Well Cosmo, here are some really honest male confessions for you to put in your magazine. Ready, women?
1. You look ridiculous when you're overtanned, all I can think about is how in ten years you'll be sitting out on the balcony with a cigarette dangling out of your leathery orange mouth.
2. You look like a giant bug when you wear those huge Mary Kate and Ashley Olson sunglasses.
3. If you can wear high heels and do it gracefully, great. But you might as well wear flats if you're going to be wobbling all over the place like you're drunk and have had too many penises in your ass.
4. An imperfect woman who is confident in herself is much sexier than someone who obsesses about every aspect of her body.
5. We wish you'd stop fucking bitching about the glass ceiling until you've paid for 649 dinners and movies that ended up never going anywhere. And I never hear you whine about your half-price oil changes and no cover charge bars, you hypocritical bitch.
6. You're not hot shit because guys have sex with you. Guys will have sex with anything. Cover the face and fuck the base, the mantra of our generation.
7. If you're allowed to say "I don't date men who are bald," we're allowed to say "I don't date women with small breasts." Yeah, doesn't feel good, does it? (I'm not bald, but I am Asian, which is much worse.)
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