Thursday, February 03, 2011

Dragon Quest IX Review: The More Things Change, the More They Stay the Same


My first foray into Dragon Quest began identically to many other kids in 1990: begging my parents to buy me the $15 Nintendo Power subscription that generously included one of the many unsold copies of Dragon Warrior that Nintendo couldn't convince anyone to buy. It was unlike any other game I had ever played on the NES, and armed with the Nintendo Power guide and youthfully resilient eyes, I ground my way through it and verily, I was hooked on the genre. Lest I get too mushy, the game was often terrible; the plot inarguably had the depth of a rain puddle and its mechanics were unnecessarily clunky. You have to go to a church to find out how many experience points you are from the next level? Really? Now, on iteration number nine(!) the frustrating aspects of the game experience remain distressingly familiar while the driving essence of the series breaks new ground - but in a barren landscape.

Dragon Quest has always occupied a unique niche in the JRPG ecosystem; it is to Quentin Tarantino as Final Fantasy is to Martin Scorsese - always willing to smirk at itself and lacking the occasionally heavy-handed gravitas of Square's flagship games. Would Nester ever have appeared in a Final Fantasy, as he does in Dragon Warrior? Doubtful.

It's one of many legacies that DQIX proudly inherits from its progenitor. One desert in the game is cheekily named "Djust Desert," no doubt delighting philosophy and criminal justice majors all over the world. Unfortunately, the other legacy that DQIX stubbornly clings to is its insistence on making everything more difficult than it has to be. This is a menu-driven series and always will be. But is it really necessary to make you manually transfer items ONE-BY-ONE between characters and from the bag, instead of just letting players pick items from a common pool in bulk? And why the stinginess towards resurrection items and spells? If there is a resurrection item, I never found it once in an entire playthrough. Your standard resurrection spell, Zing, only works half the time. You WILL at some point be fighting a boss who kills a member of your party, and then you WILL spend four turns unsuccessfully trying to bring him/her back to life while said boss proceeds to slap you silly. That kind of capricious battle flow would be okay if the game didn't take away half your gold when you died.

Still, even those sins are forgivable if the story is good, and here, it is not. Despite also having all the aforementioned problems, I look back on predecessor DQV very fondly for its simple but sentimental and well-executed story. DQIX unfortunately has much of the former but little of the latter. Instead, it is content to fall back on all of the standard RPG tropes: a mysterious fall from grace, an evil empire, a desert town, a snow town, a port, etc., and no greater than about four music pieces, total. These elements are bound together by the tired "go from town to town solving each one's problems as they first distrust you and eventually come to be filled with gratitude" story structure into a JRPG Mad Libs plot that is so predictable that you need only have played maybe two RPGs to guess where it's going.

Compounding the lackluster story is an utter dearth of character development. Your hero says nothing, of course, but neither does the rest of your party. There is a stated emphasis on multiplayer and freely interchangeable party members in this game, and the price is an utter lack of any kind of attachment to your blank slate of a team. You can change your party members' vocations, but since you're relatively far into the game when you gain this ability and you're forced to start at level 1 for any new jobs, there's little incentive to do so unless you're willing to grind the new vocation up to snuff - as if there isn't enough grinding already. Combat is straightforward and while it lacks any glaring faults, it unfortunately also lacks any creativity or innovation whatsoever while perfectly capturing the experience of working on an assembly line.

All that said, it's a competent game. It looks great for a DS game and one change (seeing enemies on the map before you encounter them) is welcome and long overdue. The quests can be interesting diversions and it is eminently thoughtful to allow each piece of equipment to be visually reflected in your character. It's just too bad that that level of thoughtfulness didn't extend to the plot. It was, again, by design that DQIX was to be a more social game (and by "social game," I mean a pastiche of tiny side quests), and it is. Quite frankly, it's a soaring love song to Pokemon and Monster Hunter's slavish devotion to the Pavlovian surge of dopamine at the acquisition of rare virtual trinkets.

Where you fall on your judgment of this game will depend on what you view as the most critical, defining aspect of the genre with regard to your expectations for the title. This is not a new dichotomy; we've had "tactical system" RPGs and "story" RPGs for as long as the genre has existed, plus the relatively scant few which excel at both. Dragon Quest IX is oddly neither - its narrative exists only as a framework for its mishmash of miniquests to achieve some semblance of continuity. Collectors and completionists, your game has arrived.


Don't get me wrong; I am under no illusion that Dragon Quest will ever be a dramatic masterpiece transcending the narrative permutation du jour of "find the evil guy and defeat him." But at least it's always had heart, and that, sadly, is what is lacking in the paint-by-numbers quest number nine.

6.5/10

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Abominations in American Box Art

When I was in high school, I yearned to possess both the Japanese and American versions of the SNES Final Fantasy III at the same time; a game which remains unsurpassed in the annals of video gaming. This was back in the late 90s when the Internet was still relatively young and eBay was still called AuctionWeb. Back then it was sort of a niche site and had no international presence - I had to search far and wide for a Japanese copy and eventually purchased a loose cart for $46 (it costs about 15 bucks now, COMPLETE in the box). You see, my plan was to use the game to start teaching myself Japanese, like it was Rosetta Stone or something. God, I was such a dumbass.

Ultimately my plan was unsuccessful because I was too lazy to even buy the damn system to play it on, to say nothing of memorizing hundreds of Japanese characters in the hopes of being able to say "YOU ATTACK WERE-RAT BUT WERE-RAT DODGES THE ATTACK!" But it's all so cheap now that I bought it a second time (I lost the $46 POS a long time ago) and plugged it in today. I learned absolutely no Japanese. In fact, I got killed in my first battle because I couldn't figure out which spell was the healing spell. DEATH TO NON-ROMANCE LANGUAGES

But one thing that has always struck me as exceedingly odd is how pitiful the box art becomes when the game crosses the ocean. The Yoshitaka Amano piece on FFVI is just a gorgeously intricate, evocative, brooding work. The American counterpart...well, let's just say that if someone drew that in Pictionary, my first guess would be "afterbirth":

ff3andvi

In fact, when you look at the kinds of changes that Marketing makes to box art to make it "suitable" for Americans, it's kind of insulting (though in fairness, I don't know whether it is the Japanese parent or the American subsidiary directing the changes):

dq

"Yeah, see that smiling guy on the right? Can't have that. Americans don't like smiling in their games. Not badass enough. Give him a sword too. And that 13-year old on the left? Let's slut her up a little - poof out the hair, enlarge her boobs, and make it look like she's giving the dick eye. Whew, I've been working like a dog, Bob. Think I'm gonna take a mental health day tomorrow."

Okay, fine, whatever, we get boobs. No biggie. But what always pissed me off the most as a kid when the American box looked nothing like the actual game:

megaman

When I buy a game because it has a picture of a man with gold panties on the box, I EXPECT A MAN WITH GOLD PANTIES IN THE GAME. I'm pretty sure that's in the Statute of Frauds.

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Privatize the USPS Already!

Little known fact: among the illustrious legacies of King William 3.0 and Queen Mary 2.0 quietly lurks a more dubious distinction - they commissioned the spiritual progenitor of the United States Postal Service. If they had known how things would turn out they would undoubtedly have just awarded the contract to UPS.

I finally purchased a Super Famicom a couple of weeks ago, direct from Japan. Am I too old to play video games, you ask? Psh! Of course I'm too old.

Anyway, I came home the other day and saw the pink delivery attempt notice, which of course was attempted while I was at work. Seriously, why doesn't someone start a delivery business that delivers from 6:00 pm to 11:00 pm? I hate that pink slip.

But what's this? USPS now offers ONLINE redelivery scheduling! Awesome! I filled out the form to schedule delivery for today (since I am fortunate enough to be working from home), and got a confirmation notice. I was duly impressed by USPS for the first time since kindergarten. You already know how this is going to end.

The mailman arrives and my package is not delivered. I can schedule another pickup for the next time I'm home, Saturday, but that will have been five days since the original attempt, so if that request also flies off into the ether, the package will get sent back. TO FUCKING JAPAN. So assuming they didn't even bother to take it off the shelf at the post office, I rush there fifteen minutes before they close, and what do I see in front of me but this...

photo

...A fucking douchebag couple waltzing in fifteen minutes before close with SIXTY FUCKING PACKAGES. Literally 62 or 63, no exaggeration. And of course they have to tape them up at the counter because they didn't bother to do that shit somewhere where there weren't 20 people waiting behind them.

I finally get to the counter and give them the slip, and the lady goes back and rummages around for a while. A long while. I start to panic. Could I have been wrong about the USPS? Perhaps there is a special mailman who just does redeliveries and he just hasn't reached my place yet.

She finally emerges from the back...with a box under her arm. Yeah, screw USPS.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Investment Strategies, Video Games Edition


One of the many reasons I got rejected by the Ivy League


So I'm putzing around eBay while drunk (which, incidentally, is the primary reason I have so much useless shit in my apartment), looking for a decent copy of my favorite game of all-time, Final Fantasy III/VI. I don't care that it's perfect or anything, I just want a copy that doesn't look like it's been dragged around tied to the back of a car.

Much to my surprise, there are actually sellers with SEALED copies of the game, available now at the firesale price of $799. At first blush, that seems ludicrous, but let's not forget that a similarly sealed copy of Chrono Trigger sold for $1,217.

While acknowledging that nobody has yet purchased the game for 800 bucks, let's assume for a second that the real value of the game is such, especially considering the fact that it's about equally as rare (i.e., not notably rare) and equally as lauded as Chrono Trigger. I *think* the game was $70 at release, which would make the inflation-adjusted appreciation from 1994 to 2010 a tidy 697%!

By comparison, the S&P 500 has only increased by about 137% in the same period. My parents would have been better off putting their retirement savings into a stack of Super Nintendo games. Or old Transformer toys, for that matter.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Super Mario All-Stars for Wii: What a Lazy POS


Don't even bother opening it, this is as good as it'll get.

I just bought a copy of the 25th Anniversary edition of Super Mario All Stars for the Wii, and the nice, classy-looking embossed matte exterior box really belies the laziest anniversary game I have ever seen. I mean, this is beyond lazy. This is garbage.

First off, the games are not ports, nor are they really retro editions. It's an emulation of an SNES ROM, the already remade original Super Mario All-Stars (without Super Mario World). And man, is this bush league. They put so little thought into this Wii edition that they didn't even bother to change the pictures for the on-screen directions from an SNES controller. And maybe it's just me, but the controls just feel much more slippery than the originals, like Mario's constantly running on ice.

But whatever, I didn't really buy this because I am burning to play Super Mario 2 for hours again. Plus, you can buy all the games on Virtual Console anyway. It's sort of just a nostalgia thing, right? Thankfully, there's an extra disc case with a "Super Mario History" art book and a music CD. And I kid you not: they were even LAZIER with the extras than they were with the actual game. I didn't think it was even possible.

Open up the art book and you are treated to three tiny screenshots of each Mario game with one-sentence snippets of insight from Shigeru Miyamoto, Koji Kondo, and Takashi Tezuka for each. These earth-shattering insights include: "[Super Mario Galaxy] was released in South Korea as 'Super Mario Wii,'" and "When the player hops onto Yoshi, a cheery bit of percussion is added to the track."

Pop the audio CD in and things don't get any better. Half the damn CD is sound effects - the half-second coin noise is its own track! I would honestly have been less disappointed if Nintendo had just ripped some shit off of Overclocked Remix.

And finally, thanks, Nintendo, for requiring me to run a system firmware update to play a game from 1993.

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