Why PC Gaming Deserves to Die

Let me start by saying that PC game publishers should love a guy like me. I upgrade my computer yearly out of sheer boredom, and dump hundreds of dollars into technology that I don't really need, and then look to buy games I may not have bought otherwise, if only to justify my frequent hardware purchases. I'm not rich by any means, but at this point in my life, $50 every couple of months is not that big a deal so I don't even bother pirating games.

In fact, if a particular game is on both a console and PC, I usually opt for the PC version, even considering the hit I take in resale value, because I find mouse/keyboard control to be more precise and more comfortable. Plus, my monitor is only 5" smaller than my TV, and seems even bigger when it's a foot away from my face.

But with that said, PC game publishers are going absolutely batshit insane with regard to digital rights management. We're talking online activation, install limits, the whole nine yards. Here is a list of games I would have bought for the PC if not for draconian drm that sometimes cannot even be uninstalled:

Bioshock 2
Spore
Batman: Arkham Asylum
Dawn of War II
Company of Heroes
Mass Effect 2

Instead, they got none of my money. And since they all got cracked anyway, people who were intending to pirate them still pirated them.

But Ubisoft deserves special mention for being at the vanguard of this dubious movement towards digital assrape. They recently announced that Assassin's Creed 2 will require CONSTANT ACCESS TO THE INTERNET, and if the connection drops at any time, the game will shut itself off. Putting aside my initial objection to being treated like a criminal 24/7, from a logistical standpoint, this is a problem, because my Internet connection frequently goes down like a cheap hooker for a few minutes to a couple of hours. And seriously, that's precisely what games are for! To entertain you when you can't access porn because the Internet is down.

Furthermore, as consumers vote with their wallets and sales drop, publishers continue to blame piracy and implement even more onerous DRM schemes. It's a cycle that will eventually sound the death knell for the entire industry. I, for one, won't shed a tear. After all, it will finally give me a chance to play through Final Fantasy XII.

Unemployment: Not as Bad as the Figures Say

As the East Coast "braces" for the proceeding snowstorm by buying out all the milk and bread from the grocery store (ZOMG WE CAN'T SURVIVE WITHOUT BREAD AND MILK FOR AS MUCH AS TWO DAYS), the media have a disturbing tendency to give the snowstorm a name. "Snowpacolypse," not creative, but eh. "Snowmageddon," bordering on cheesy. But NBC 4 took it to heights I never thought were achievable. Take a look at this masterpiece:

I mean, really? Snowtorious B.I.G.? If somebody can fart out that travesty and not lose his/her job, the labor situation is not as bleak as they say it is.

Your Greatest Enemy

First of all, I am proud to say that if you Google "eBay insertion fees scam," the first listing is my old blog post about their 5 Free Insertion Fees bullshit. Of all the worthless drivel I have spouted, that one remains the most popular--by far. You can even Google "Eugene is an arrogant douchebag" and not stumble onto ANY posts in this blog, which shocked the hell out of me. Anyway, I have never wished bankruptcy as fervently on any company as I do eBay. But that's a story for another day.

When people learn that I work in the financial sector (albeit only peripherally), they always ask me financial questions about which I am not qualified to answer. Of course, that doesn't stop me from making half-accurate shit up. My favorite thing to say used to be that you could guarantee yourself almost 20% returns on your investments by just paying off your credit card bills. But alas, in today's operating environment, you should put your money into a "rainy day" account instead. The reasoning, of course, is that you never know when you might lose your job--and you won't be able to count on your credit cards bailing you out, because credit card companies are slashing credit limits down to your outstanding balance. These are truly unprecedented times.

With that said, your real long-term enemy is inflation. Very few people truly realize the impact that inflation has on your earning power. But think about it this way...your great grandfather could have bought an entire dinner with $1 in 1900. But if he had stuffed it under his mattress like a moron to give to you, today, you wouldn't even be able to buy a candy bar with that meager chickenshit. So where should you park the $3 you have left after you buy your iPad and iPhone and MacBook? Caveat: Don't construe any of this as real actual advice. After all, I am drunk right now.

1. Treasury Inflated Protected Securities (TIPS) - The principal is adjusted to the CPI, so you won't lose money. You won't make a lot either, but that's good enough for my dad.

2. Precious metals - Always a haven for investors worried about inflation, precious metals are...very sparkly. Still, gold is trading for over $1000 per ounce, which is more expensive than sex. ALWAYS be wary of anything that's more expensive than sex.

3. Borrow like hell! - If you have a FICO score of 850 and can even qualify for financing, borrow everything you can now. During your repayment period, as the principal remains unchanged, your money will lose more and more earning power. So essentially, you'll be repaying pre-inflation debts with post-inflation money.