Why All Job-Seeking Advice is Useless

Just like everyone who has ever looked for a job in the Internet age, I've done a lot of reading on the proper job interview behavior, follow-up, resume construction, etc. And unfortunately, it's all useless.

The problem is, nobody can agree on anything, except for maybe "don't show up in shorts." Outside of that, there's no consensus on much of any of the details. Should you keep your resume to one page, or two? Snail mail or email for your thank you letter? Or should you not even bother because it just gives you one more chance to fuck up the spelling of someone's name without really helping you in the first place? And let's not forget the age-old question of whether you can wear brown shoes with dark charcoal suits. I even once read somewhere that merely wearing a suit to an IT position interview in California would reflect negatively on you.

Certainly, you should keep the general points in mind. Look crisp, look clean, sound confident, be polite, smell good. But seriously, if you didn't know those things in the first place, you aren't qualified for any job I can think of. I think there's a lot of variance in the minutia because past that broad threshold of acceptability, you're squarely into personal preference territory.

It's a lot like asking "What should I wear on this date? What should I talk about to make her like me? There are just no universally accepted rules. Don't dress like a slob and don't talk about raping forest animals - outside of that, there's not a lot you can say for certain. And it's the same in the job hunt; I'm sure some hiring managers would be delighted if you sent an email thank you note followed by a thank you letter on 100 lb parchment stationery in which you reiterate your burning passion for office work and remind the interviewer that your three months as a Starbucks barista taught you so much about going the extra mile on the job. Me, I think it's cloyingly obsequious.

So you basically have to play the numbers games and do the things that are likely to piss off the fewest people. That's why I appreciate articles based on survey data more than "this is how I feel" type anecdotal stuff.

Of course, my personal pet peeve is that job candidates are so subjugated during the entire process. I understand that it is a buyer's market and perhaps always will be, but I kind of resent the whole "I AM NOT WORTHY TO EVEN HOVER MY MOUSE POINTER OVER YOUR SHITTY EXCEL WORKSHEETS" attitude that seems to be required. The company is getting something from you too, and sometimes even more than they are paying for. Shouldn't they be sending the candidates thank you letters too?