Online-Dating Women: Please Be More Interesting. Thx

All right, so I think guys get a lot of well-deserved flak for writing online dating profiles that are cliched, clueless, creepy, and probably all sorts of other words that begin with "C." No argument there.

But I don't quite get the sanctimoniousness of women, given how fucking predictable and interchangeable all their profiles are. Usually they just break down into a few archetypes:

The Chip on Her Shoulder:
This one usually opens with something about how MEN CAN'T HANDLE AN INTELLEGENT [sic] WOMAN. Look, I know you're proud of the fact that you were the first in your family to graduate from Flyover State University, but the surest sign a woman isn't really that smart is that she tells you. Sort of the same way you can tell a man isn't rich. I have known some truly brilliant women who are undoubtedly amongst the most intelligent people in the world, and none of them ever complained about men not being able to handle them. Just stop dating dumb people.

The Sperm Bank Customer:
This broad typically has so many nitpicky requirements you'd think she were running a eugenics experiment. "Must be 6'1" or taller, white, good job, owns a car, has his own place, funny, charming, gentlemanly, doesn't mind that I'm fat." You're attracted to what you're attracted to, fine, but don't complain when you die alone.

The Fauxbtrotter
She makes sure to post the four photos of when she went to visit touristy shit like the Eiffel Tower and the Sphinx so it looks like she has an awesome globetrotting lifestyle when she's not tending to her three cats. Scuba diving photos and skydiving photos belong here too. On the other hand, post a photo of you straddling the border of India and Pakistan and you win instant respect.

The Artist
All of her photos are in black-and-white, and the most you can see of her is a silhouette. Is that her breast or her knee? She would prefer you not know.

The Lazy
She posts enough photos that you know she didn't sign up accidentally, but she didn't bother to fill out any of the text fields. Still gets bombarded with messages.

STFU Episode 2: Mike Huckabee

 

Mike showing us how many times he unsuccessfully ran for president

Per Huffington Post, erstwhile governor Mike Huckabee on the Newtown massacre: "We ask why there is violence in our schools, but we have systematically removed God from our schools," Huckabee said on Fox News. "Should we be so surprised that schools would become a place of carnage?"

I love when issues like gunning down defenseless children have such easy answers. Why, all we need is to bring God back into school! Mike Huckabee's God! To be clear, that's the one that:

• Slaughtered all the Egyptian firstborns AND animals
• Assisted the Israelites in a massacre of men, women, and children in 60 cities
• Slowly killed David's bastard child
• Sent two bears to maul 42 children for making fun of a bald guy

Among many other things, of course.

Mike, did you even read this fucking book? I liked you better when you were fat and shoving shit into your mouth versus spraying it out.