Gregg Easterbrook's Kooky Criteria

 

It's time for Easterbrook's annual All-Unwanted All-Pros list, which is generally an interesting read, but this year his criteria for inclusion are head-scratchingly inconsistent. Namely, this is the first season that James Harrison has been disqualified from the list. Says Easterbrook:

"In past seasons the undrafted James Harrison has made the All-Unwanted All-Pros. This season Harrison seems so determined to convince people that he is not much of a human being that he has been disqualified from consideration."

Presumably, he's talking about how Harrison insulted Roger Goodell and his own teammates in Men's Journal this past summer. Yeah, that's bad. But who does makes the list but LeGarrette Blount, who got kicked off his college team for punching an opponent, then signed with the Titans and punched his own teammate, then signed with the Bucs and punched an opponent again. Now, I don't think either player's conduct is that egregious, but it's inconsistent, at best, to disqualify one and not the other. I mean, it's not like either of them beat up his wife/girlfriend. Not this year anyway.

That's right, remember when James Harrison was arrested for domestic violence in 2008? That didn't disqualify him from Easterbrook's 2008 All-Unwanted All-Pros list.

Wayne Hanson's God Is a Broncos Fan

This douche's god doesn't give a shit about you if you aren't an NFL player

As I've said before, I enjoy watching Tim Tebow play. Amazingly, his passing has actually improved. I've been silently rooting for him because it's just interesting to see something unexpected happen in the NFL. For the record, I'm also rooting for the Cardinals to make the playoffs for the very same reason. Perhaps we should find out which god John Skelton worships, no?

Notwithstanding the remarkable nature of the Broncos six game winning streak, I don't ascribe any cosmic significance to it, but Tebow's pastor, Wayne Hanson of Summit Church, looks upon the Broncos and yea, verily he sees the indelible hand of God guiding the Broncos to victories against teams like the Dolphins and the Bears' third-stringers:

His pastor, Wayne Hanson of Summit Church outside Denver, said the Broncos are winning because of God. “It’s not luck,” said Hanson. “Luck isn’t winning six games in a row. It’s favor. God’s favor. … God has blessed his hard work.”

Wow. Let's parse this out. First of all, where was God when Denver got bitchslapped by Detroit? Taking a nap, I guess. Then heathen Tom Brady came to town and blew the Broncos out of the stadium. And what happens when there's a hardworking Christian on the opposing team? How does God choose who wins?

The more troubling implication is that God cares about the outcome of a football game and "blesses" the hard work of Christian football players, yet allows his own missionaries to be murdered in front of their wives and children, gunned down en masse while providing health care in remote villages, and shot for driving a car that was too nice because their beater was unfortunately in the shop at the time. And that was just in 2011!

Why All Job-Seeking Advice is Useless

Just like everyone who has ever looked for a job in the Internet age, I've done a lot of reading on the proper job interview behavior, follow-up, resume construction, etc. And unfortunately, it's all useless.

The problem is, nobody can agree on anything, except for maybe "don't show up in shorts." Outside of that, there's no consensus on much of any of the details. Should you keep your resume to one page, or two? Snail mail or email for your thank you letter? Or should you not even bother because it just gives you one more chance to fuck up the spelling of someone's name without really helping you in the first place? And let's not forget the age-old question of whether you can wear brown shoes with dark charcoal suits. I even once read somewhere that merely wearing a suit to an IT position interview in California would reflect negatively on you.

Certainly, you should keep the general points in mind. Look crisp, look clean, sound confident, be polite, smell good. But seriously, if you didn't know those things in the first place, you aren't qualified for any job I can think of. I think there's a lot of variance in the minutia because past that broad threshold of acceptability, you're squarely into personal preference territory.

It's a lot like asking "What should I wear on this date? What should I talk about to make her like me? There are just no universally accepted rules. Don't dress like a slob and don't talk about raping forest animals - outside of that, there's not a lot you can say for certain. And it's the same in the job hunt; I'm sure some hiring managers would be delighted if you sent an email thank you note followed by a thank you letter on 100 lb parchment stationery in which you reiterate your burning passion for office work and remind the interviewer that your three months as a Starbucks barista taught you so much about going the extra mile on the job. Me, I think it's cloyingly obsequious.

So you basically have to play the numbers games and do the things that are likely to piss off the fewest people. That's why I appreciate articles based on survey data more than "this is how I feel" type anecdotal stuff.

Of course, my personal pet peeve is that job candidates are so subjugated during the entire process. I understand that it is a buyer's market and perhaps always will be, but I kind of resent the whole "I AM NOT WORTHY TO EVEN HOVER MY MOUSE POINTER OVER YOUR SHITTY EXCEL WORKSHEETS" attitude that seems to be required. The company is getting something from you too, and sometimes even more than they are paying for. Shouldn't they be sending the candidates thank you letters too?

So What's Wrong With Flip-Flopping?

Okay, so I wouldn't vote for Mitt Romney anyway. But I don't see anything wrong with flip-flopping, per se. Perhaps people are really implying that the real issue is that Romney (or anyone of his ilk) claims that his views are in accord with whatever constituency is most advantageous to him at the moment, counter to his genuine beliefs. That's a valid complaint, but that's not flip-flopping. That's just plain dishonesty.

True flip-flopping, on the other hand should be encouraged. I've flip-flopped on a lot of views in the last 5-10 years, and I think that I'm a better person for it. In contrast, the person you should worry about is the staunch ideologue, the individual who refuses to change his/her mind even when the evidence demands it.

Indeed, in the course of my life, I have found that one of the most reliable predictors of a person's intelligence and thoughtfulness is the willingness to change his/her mind. I'm not sure why that is, but I recognize it all the time. But for some reason, as a society, we place a higher value on obstinately sticking to your guns, even when you might be wrong. And the highest value of all? That's "faith," of course, which is blindly believing in something without a shred of evidence whatsoever. In fact, the less evidence there is, the more laudable the faith!

But thank god for the flip-floppers; the ones who had the courage to flip-flop on slavery, women's rights, and animal welfare.   

Dealing With Noisy Neighbors: A Practical Guide

Throughout my adult apartment-renting life, I've lived next to noisy neighbors about half of the time. I'm actually relatively tolerant of incidental noise - walking, garbage disposals, etc. But fucking parties, goddamn. I can't stand them. Really loud parties are pretty much the best way to tell your neighbors, "Fuck you, I don't care that we live in a society, I only care about doing what I want." I always thought that when you're having a really loud party, it's customary to invite everyone around you in your apartment complex. Now, they're not supposed to actually come to the party, but it sort of defuses the anger.

If you search online for some advice on how to deal with them, the first step is invariably "Go over and politely tell them that they're noisy" or some similar variant. This is TERRIBLE advice, outside of some specific circumstances. If it's something that the person genuinely doesn't know they're doing, it might work. For example, I never knew how noisy it was to roll a rolling chair across the floor. It literally sounds like someone is bowling if you're in the apartment underneath it. If it's something like that, the person might be receptive.

Otherwise, the problem is, with something like a party, people KNOW they're being loud. They just don't give a shit. So when you point it out to them, they always react defensively. I mean, the night before my LSAT, the guy next door was blasting music and I knocked on his door and politely asked him to turn it down just this one night because I had my LSAT in the morning. And you know what the fucker said? "I hear noise from your room sometimes too." WTF? What does that have to do with anything?

The other important reason I would never knock on the offender's door is that now they can put a face on their complainant, whether it's you or not. You will now get blamed for EVERYTHING. Imagine you go over one day and ask them to keep the noise down. Then next week, the neighbor on the other side calls a noise complaint into the cops, or leaves a flaming bag of shit in front of their door. Guess whose tires are getting slashed? That's right, yours! I needn't mention that if you want to leave your own bag of shit, they'll know it was you.