The Most Overrated Books in History

Before I begin, I have to mention that I looked up Werth's home run on Hit Tracker and it definitely wasn't the longest home run ever hit. It wasn't even the longest home run hit this year. It wasn't even the longest home run hit this year by Jayson Werth. It clocked in at a pathetic 421 feet. I stand corrected.

With that said, I have been reading books for over 3 years and now think that I can critically evaluate them:

5. The Great Gatsby - I had to read this book in high school, and back then I thought it sucked. Well, I still think it sucks. Anyway, the problem is that high school kids have to read all these books that would make much more sense in 10 years, but at the time, they just can't relate. Who at that age has loved and lost and gotten rich and then loved and lost again? Probably nobody. Even with that in mind, this plodding, depressing soap opera of a snoozer has it all, from philandering husbands to unrequited love to getting shot by a jealous husband in your swimming pool. If you don't know the plot yet, don't read that last sentence. What is the symbolism of the color white? Who gives a shit? It's not the 20s anymore.

4. Any book by Jane Austen - I realize that a woman writing books in that era was a big deal back then; I mean, hell, I haven't even written a book myself, so more power to her. The societal significance is not lost on me. But OH MY GOD. I don't need a book to spend 200 pages telling me that so-and-so young golddigger bitch is trying to marry Mr. Moneybags who is engaged to her older sister.

3. Finnegan's Wake - Anyone who tells you that he/she understands Finnegan's Wake, much less considers it a masterpiece of literature, is lying. The kind of person who likes this book is the same person who drinks white zinfandel and enjoys the smell of his own farts. Don't get me wrong--we all enjoy the smell of our own farts, but these douchebags think that YOU should enjoy them too. I dare you to comprehend the first page. I honestly think this book was a joke on Joyce's part, sort of like Piero Manzoni's cans of artist's shit (which he successfully sold for their weight in gold). Fucking douchebag bourgeousie.

2. The Catcher in the Rye - I first read this in 4th grade because it had curse words. Even back then I thought that it had the most unlikeable protagonist in the history of literature. You got kicked out of prep school, cry me a river. Try walking home from school in Anacostia, and then write us a book, you whiny bitch.

1. War and Peace - How many people have actually finished this book? I mean, honestly.

It Might Be...Holy Cow

Thanks to the wonder of the Internet, I've seen footage of just about every exceptionally long home run ever hit in the last two or three seasons. A couple of shots by Adam Dunn and Richie Sexson have always stood out to me (no surprise), but it's time to add Jayson Werth (!) to that list:

http://mlb.mlb.com/media/video.jsp?mid=200906275269281&c_id=phi

Holy shit. That's gotta be one of the longest home runs I've ever seen. I tried to go to Hit Tracker to check, but the site is down right now. I targeted Jayson Werth heavily as a late sleeper in all my leagues, and he's currently on pace for a .271/34/97 line with 23 steals. Not bad for a guy I got as late as the 16th round.

But before anyone thinks I'm gloating about my fantasy baseball acumen, I should also point out that I targeted Jonathan Sanchez heavily as a late round sleeper too.

Hard and Fruity Now, Root Canal Later

Growing up, my favorite candy was unquestionably the venerable Now and Later (am I just a pervert or is "Hard and Fruity Now, Soft and Chewy Later" vaguely erotic?). Of course, despite the deliciously tangy flavor, the candy had the texture and hardness of industrial plastic. Even when you did manage to sink your chompers into it, as you tried to separate your jaws the candy had the unfortunate side effect of ripping the roots of your teeth clean out of your head. I recently stumbled across a pack while in West Virginia (don't ask), and it is as toothpulverizingly delicious as I remember. Nowadays, since my teeth are not so much teeth as they are composite resin filling, I have to heat them up in the microwave for a few seconds before trying to chew them. So unfortunately, at this juncture in my life, that's just too much hassle.

But lo and behold, one Google search later...

http://www.amazon.com/Later-Soft-Assorted-Taffy-candy/dp/B000T9QVA0/ref=pd_sim_gro_1

Somebody at that company DOES listen to feedback, albeit 20 years late!

Well...

I think William and Mary Asparagus is kind of catchy.

Welcome to the Nats, Stephen!

Last year I would have made a joke about the Nationals' run support, but surprise! They rank 16th in the majors in total runs and 8th in OPS. Wow. Maybe it really is the pitching that is holding them back.

With that said, I'm sick and tired of all the "#1 drafted pitchers never amount to anything, so Strasburg will be a bust" articles that keep popping up and spreading around the Internet like genital warts at a music festival. I'm not so blinded by excitement that I think Strasburg is impervious to injury or general suck, but those articles are pointless. So what, 13 pitchers have been drafted #1 and none have been Hall of Famers or Cy Young winners. Big deal. You can say the same thing about the 2nd pick or the 3rd pick, as far as I can tell. The problem is that when you compare 13 guys to ALL THE PITCHERS WHO HAVE EVER BEEN DRAFTED, of course those guys will look bad. Compare all the #1 picks to all the #2 picks or all the #500 picks and you might even see that the #1 picks were better as a group (pure conjecture). Of course, you'd expect that the 1st pick is slightly surer that the 500th pick, but in baseball, that's about all you can say. When you see a guy you like, you take him. Thirteen guys does not a sufficient sample make.

I hope we see Strasburg soon, but until then, his face will haunt my dreams: