A Big Hearty Fuck You to Penn State

So the whole not-reporting-a-kid-being-raped was bad enough. The alarming lack of people giving a shit all the way up the ladder was bad enough. But then Penn State students riot and then call in threats to the guy who reported the rape? What the fuck is wrong with you worthless shitstains? Is football all you care about?

Now, I should take a step back and acknowledge that I'm sure there are plenty of wonderful, lovely people who went to and currently attend Penn State. I'm genuinely sorry you are lumped into the entire Penn State community by people like me.

With that said, what is it with Penn State alumni? My neighbor is a Penn State grad (I can tell because his car looks like the fucking Nittany Lionmobile) and that fucking douchebag is the loudest, most inconsiderate pile of horse diarrhea I've ever had the misfortune of living near. He and his roommates pack like 20 of the world's ugliest people in their tiny shit apartment (so many that they have to leave their jackets in the hallway) every weekend. It sounds like a fucking tailgate party. What the fuck are you partying about? That it takes three of you to afford your crappy apartment?

The Best Name in College Basketball...or the Universe?

I've written before about the previous best name in college basketball, (formerly) Alabama State's Chief Kickingstallionsims, but I just saw the other day that the St. John's basketball team is the proud home of:

God'sgift Achiuwa

Now, it's worth noting that a name like "Nathan" also means God's gift, and I'm sure there is some other cultural variant I'm not familiar with. Regardless, I like this trend of parsing out the true meanings of names. "William" means, strangely, Will/Desire + Helmet. A perfect basketball name, Willdesirehelmet.

Anyway, aside from his name, the strangest part is that this guy might actually be able to play basketball. Granted, his season opener was against my Tribe - whose roster LOOKS like Butler's, but they don't play like Butler; I've never seen a W&M player dunk, ever - but 17 points on 6-11 shooting and 5-7 from the stripe, 9 boards, and 1 block might mean he's more than just a curiosity.

Jesus Has Come Back, and He is Tim Tebow

I have to admit, I have never been as fascinated with a player as I have with Tim Tebow (Kurt Warner is close, but still #2). This guy looks fucking terrible. He has the worst footwork I've ever seen in my life, his release is weird and slow (unlike Philip Rivers' release, which is weird and quick), and he's not even a particularly fast runner. But somehow he puts up scores and wins games. It is rare that I switch from NFL RedZone to an actual network game broadcast, but I did today to watch all of the Broncos' possessions.

He is unquestionably the most exciting player to watch, because you have no idea what the fuck he's going to do. He can drill Eric Decker in stride. He can break two tackles and rip off a 15 yard run. He can launch a wobbly duck straight to nobody or a laser directly into the ground. You just never know what's going to happen on a given play, but the end result is inexplicably usually positive. Despite the many passes he throws that make you think "How is this guy playing in the best football league in the world," in his 3.5 games he's thrown 6 TDs and only been picked off once. Huh.   

Now don't get me wrong, there are lots of guys who stink and still win games. Like Kyle Orton in 2005. Or Rex Grossman every year. But nobody does it quite like Tebow.

But that's not why I'm comparing him to Jesus, no. Not for anything he does on the field. No, I compare him to Jesus because he somehow got through four years at the University of Florida as their starting quarterback and exited a virgin. When you're the STARTING QUARTERBACK AT THE UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA, surrounded by this every single day of the week and you never even accidentally bang one of them...that is fucking Jesus-level willpower. I find that extraordinary. And I really admire that kind of commitment. 

How is Religion Okay for Children?

As a society we do everything we can to insulate kids from the kinds of things that we think will harm them; mental and physical abuse, violence, profanity, etc. Why, then, is it okay to subject kids to religion?

For some reason, people think that saying "fuck" in front of a kid will adversely affect his/her development, but simultaneously believe that it's okay to tell that same kid that:

1. There is an God who is so powerful he can do anything;
2. And he's really fucking pissed off at you because someone thousands of years ago ate something he wasn't supposed to eat and God just can't get over it;
3. And since you had the distinct misfortune of being born, you are destined to spend all of eternity burning in hell.

As a society, why are we allowing this? When I was maybe 7 years old I was handed one of the infamous Jack Chick tracts and at that age I pretty much accepted everything. I have distinct memories of the one page of that tract that scared the shit out of me, nightmares and everything. Yeah, I know, at the same age this kid was in college and I was crying over a Jack Chick tract. I'm such a retard.

Anyway, thanks to the wonder of the Internet, I can now share that page with you:

That's some pretty fucked up shit to tell a kid. I mean, granted, it's supposed to make you want to accept Christ into your life or whatever, but for fuck's sake, the Bible is so damn vague and contradictory that you can't possibly be 100% certain that you're not going to get thrown into the flaming ball pit. Needless to say, I lived in fear for much of my life.

People who try to proselytize to me nowadays scoff and almost invariably say something along the lines of "Are you comfortable with the belief that when you die, there's nothing?"

And my honest answer is "Yes." Oh, they never believe me. But it's true.