Poor Little Guy

Scooter is not doing well at all. He had to be sedated today for some tests, and pretty much no matter what the results are, they're going to be bad. It's just what kind of bad, that's the question.

On a related note, is anyone else moderately disturbed that doctors and vets call what they do "practicing?"

Holy Shit, I'm Going to be Rich

As many of you know, Scooter has wiped out my entire Christmas bonus, Neo-Geo fund, and this year's tax refund (before I've even gotten it). Current running total: $1594.14.

A lot of you may ask, "Eugene, isn't that a bit much to spend on a chinchilla?" The answer is yes, yes it is.

Now sometimes in life, people stumble upon magic combinations. Peanut butter and jelly. Salt and pepper. Joe Montana and Jerry Rice. Well, I stumbled upon another magic combination today: talking to the vet office + drinking. I've done just about everything one can do while drinking except for that, and I was in just the right state of mind to come up with the greatest moneymaking scheme on the entire planet. Ready?

All you have to do is open a veterinary office, take pets in from suckers like me who pay exorbitant amounts for ridiculous pets like rodents, charge $1000 and...replace them with animals that look exactly like the pets you took in. You might pay like $80 for a new chinchilla, which equals $920 of pure profit. Honestly, they all look alike; Scooter's brother looked almost exactly like him (he was a little darker, but they had to be side-by-side to notice). I'd like to think I could tell if I was getting a different animal, and ideally, I could, because I've taught Scooter how to do a couple of tricks, but honestly, I would just assume he was too stressed out, or he'd just forgotten. Next step: watch the money roll in!

Do My Eyes Deceive Me?

My beloved Orioles have finally signed their first Asian player, ensuring that they will not be the last team in the AL East to sign one (now that distinction goes to the Blue Jays). It's two-time Sawamura Award winner Koji Uehara, who apparently is going to start for the O's. Signing Japanese starters is a much dicier proposition than signing Japanese relievers; one inning of strange breaking pitches can be very effective, but it becomes considerably less so the second and third time down the order.

Uehara brings to the table a 90 MPH fastball and about a zillion different breaking pitches, just like all Japanese pitchers. From looking at over two YouTube clips, they have pretty good movement, but the raw arm strength is not that impressive. But where Uehara really shines is his control; over his career in Japan, he logged an absolutely eyepopping 6.7/1 strikeout-to-walk ratio! He's a little bit susceptible to the gopherball, though I think that concern is somewhat overblown. And he's a little long in the tooth.

I think he would be very effective as a middle reliever, but even as a starter, I'm more intrigued with him than all five years of Daniel Cabrera combined. The strikeout rate will drop and America's tighter zone will hurt him a little, but man, you can't argue with 6.7/1. I'm excited to see him play...if his rotation spot falls on June 9-June 11 when the Mariners come to visit Baltimore, and Uehara gets to pitch to Ichiro, I will personally attend and probably wet my pants with joy too.

Furball Update

So after Scooter's Christmas anorexia, he finally started eating on his own again so I took him home. Unfortunately, he started losing weight, fast, and I had to take him back to the vet, who prescribed him medication and fluids. The catch was, the medication and fluids were injection-only, and the course of treatment was 14 days, so I'd have to learn to give the injections (3 per day!) myself.

Now, keep in mind that I HATE needles myself and that I had never given an injection in my life. I was already feeling a little queasy about it when I went in for the demonstration. The vet tech set him down, pinched his skin and stuck the needle in, and he didn't even flinch. Not a peep our of him, just nothing. Relieved, I figured I could do it myself without a problem and that it must not bother him too much.

Well, the time comes for his first injection at home, and I do exactly as the vet tech did. He's sitting pretty still and I pinch his skin and stick in the needle. Then bam! The little guy goes batshit insane, jerking like his back is covered in ants. He jerks so hard that he bends the needle, which slips out and re-inserts itself into my hand. At that point I've decided that I don't care how much it costs to board him for 14 days; I can't ever do this again. So I put the cap back on the syringe...and the bent needle goes right through the plastic and into my finger. Again. I'm now at peace with not becoming a doctor.

Much Ado About Nothing?

As inauguration stuff gets underway and the Washington area prepares to close down, I wonder what the big deal is. Don't get me wrong, I really like Obama, and a black president is definitely a historical milestone, but hasn't the history already been made? I feel like Election Day was the exciting historical day, and inauguration will be the snoozer where everybody just talks for hours.

So I don't understand all the "Omigod I can't wait for Obama to be inaugurated!" America, he's already president, for all intents and purposes! That's like saying, "Omigod, I can't wait for the Phillies World Series ring presentation ceremony!" They're already champions!

With that said, I guess I'm just not that sentimental, because if I had known how hot and long and boring my own college graduation would have been, I would have skipped that too.

Here We Go Again...

It's the 4th quarter of the Baltimore/Pittsburgh game right now, and this time it's Dick Enberg who takes the honors for gratuitous use of the reverse call. Flacco took the snap, handed it off to...I don't remember, but it was an end around, and then mystery player flipped the ball to Mark Clayton running in the other direction for a big gain. "DOUBLE REVERSE!" cried Dick Enberg, but it was only a plain old reverse, because prior to the flip to Clayton, the ball had not reversed direction.

Baltimore has just scored to make it 16-14. I would love to see either Baltimore or Pittsburgh against the Cardinals' offense, but if Baltimore wins, my hopes for an all-bird Super Bowl will come to fruition.

And congratulations to my favorite player Kurt Warner, who is back in the Super Bowl after his career languished on life support for 4 years and was pretty much left for dead. Kurt, through it all, during all this time, I thought your career was dead too. I was wrong.

EDIT: I assumed it was Dick Enberg, but it looks like it was either Jim Nantz or Phil Simms. I have to admit, I don't know their voices well enough to tell.

Brrr

You know, I can't remember the last time it was this cold in Virginia. It definitely feels like the coldest day I've ever experienced here, though I don't know whether that's actually true or not. Usually when it gets real cold, I think to myself, well, at least it's Virginia and not Antarctica, right? Bzzt! Wrong again!

What a Gutsy Call!

Most of the time, when a football team scores a touchdown very late and is trailing by 1 pending the point after attempt, they go ahead and just kick the extra point to go into overtime. But if a coach opts to try for two and win the game, the pundits all declare how "gutsy" the call is. The Broncos were in the situation earlier this season, and dearly departed Mike Shanahan decided to go for the deuce. Unsurprisingly, the pundits declared:

SHANAHAN'S GUTSY CALL WINS ADMIRERS (AP)
SHANAHAN, BRONCOS GET GUTSY WITH CONVERSION FOR WIN (AP)
GUTSY 2-POINT CONVERSION STYMIES BOLTS (Deseret News)

But gutsy? Really? Winning that game comes down to either:

1. Punching the ball in from the 2 yard line
2. Letting the game go into overtime, winning the coin toss (or losing the coin toss and stopping the opposing offense), moving the ball 80 yards down the field for a touchdown or 50 yards for a kick that may or may not go in.

It's not only not gutsy to just try for the 2, it should be common sense!

24: Ugh.

So after tonight's season premiere of 24, my hopes that this season would be free of a government mole plotline have already been shattered. I still hope that Jack gets shot (not because I dislike him, but I think he's just due to get shot once after all this time), but if the prequel is any indication, it's a longshot. The producers yet again relied on the most ridiculous of cinematic mainstays, the hero-runs-across-an-entire-field-being-shot-at-by-10-guys-with-machine-guns-who-all-miss-as-hero-fires-pistol-once-and-kills-baddie technique.

But what really bugs me is how Jack is always arrested or under some kind of suspicion. I mean, at some point don't you just sit down and say, well, he's ALWAYS right, so maybe we should trust him this time? I mean, you'd think that after you save the country six times, you've accumulated enough brownie points to not get thrown in jail, but I guess not. Rob a bank with an assault rifle, though, and what do you get? A full presidential pardon, of course!

Take Away My Credit Cards!

When I was a kid, I was always broke. Like, absolutely flat broke. I didn't get an allowance or anything, and I never got paid for doing chores, which were compulsory. I couldn't even skip lunch and save my lunch money because my parents made me bring my lunch to school. Mowing people's lawns was not an option because that work was already being filled in my neighborhood by a couple of brothers up the street, and crossing them would be like crossing the Mafia. A retarded, high school dropout Mafia...but I digress.

Anyway, I had to do without a lot of things I wanted really bad. And in the present day, when you mix a deprived youth with easy credit card access and eBay, well, you just take a look at the useless shit I can't stop buying (and how much I spent to acquire it).

The X-Files #1 - When I was in 7th grade and other boys were busy experimenting with vaginas, I was still 4'9" and at home watching the X-Files. In fact, I still do--I just downloaded an episode off iTunes yesterday to watch on the train. Anyway, this comic was underordered and sold out almost immediately, and before I knew it, it was worth like 50 bucks. Nobody cares about it now, so I was able to get it on the cheap. $15 (I'm 5'10" now, thank you very much.)

Atari Lynx - In 1989 when this sucker was released, I read about it in Boys' Life magazine (my favorite magazine at the time) and I drooled Olympic pool-sized puddles. But at $129, there was no way I was ever going to get my grubby hands on it--I didn't even get a Game Boy until a few years after that. $45

1992 Fleer Jumbo Box - People only ever bought 1992 Fleer jumbo packs for the "Rookie Sensations" insert set. But man, what an insert set! The Frank Thomas went for $50+ and the Jeff Bagwell and Ivan Rodriguez cards went for nearly as much. Now that the set is pretty much worthless, you can buy entire boxes on the cheap. And no, I didn't get a Thomas. Or a Bagwell. But I did pull TWO Todd Van Poppels. Ugh. $2.34

Sega Wondermega - I saw this in an issue of Popular Science in 1992. It's a combination Sega CD/Genesis from Japan, and I thought it was the coolest thing ever invented. Being made for the Japanese market, it natually has karaoke capability, and one of the neat things it can do is strip the vocals from any CD track you load on it, so sometimes when I'm drunk I fire it up and belt out Backstreet Boys discs. $385(!)

And I'm not done, oh no. I still want a complete Vehicle Voltron set:

Revolutionary, Psh.

One thing that has really come to bother me in the world of cinema is the way that movies condescendingly stomp all over "boring" personal values with long, arrogant, didactic films--and how critics consistently eat those films up with a spoon. Like American Beauty. Yeah, you're old, you live in the suburbs, you're bored with your life. We get it. Everyone gets it, because nobody likes their job. Do you really think any kid grows up wanting to be an Associate Program Assistant to the VP? (I'm sure it's a fine job, but does anybody really?) No. Who doesn't want a more exciting life? I think it's incredibly insulting that Hollywood implies that if you're not living for the moment, then you must be a soulless, ambitionless automaton.

On the contrary, people who keep slogging through life and boring jobs because they want their kids to have opportunities, well, I think that's admirable. A lot of people have plenty of courage and plenty of ambition, but also an ability to consider another person's interests as paramount to their own transient unhappiness. That doesn't make them stupid or close-minded.

Revolutionary Road is another one that grinds my gears (basically, Leonardo DiCaprio is married to Kate Winslet, she's bored with living in the suburbs, he works a boring job, she wants to move to Paris. I was going to say more and spoil the entire movie, but since it just came out, I'll refrain). I know the movie tries to tell you that if you settle down and opt for security, you are boring and useless and secretly dying inside.

I don't know about that. Maybe I'm just getting old, but I would really like to have a place that's all mine and a home to return to, rather than flitting from city to city everytime things get familiar, and renting out flats with 168 tenants' worth of ejaculations and pubic hairs in the carpet.

But to each his/her own, I suppose...

Foolproof Stock Market Advice

Now that I work in finance, people ask me a lot about the economy. I pretend to know what's going on, but who really does? Psh. Not me.

You know Mark Cuban, the owner of the Dallas Mavericks? I used to be convinced that he was a total quack--nothing more than a dilettante who got lucky during the dotcom boom. But the more I think about it and the more I read the stuff on his blog, the more I'm convinced that the man is brilliant, in a very down-to-earth way. I've actually written to him and he was kind enough to send a response.

Anyway, one thing he said at one point that has always stuck with me goes something like this: "There is no such thing as a stock market expert. If there was such a thing, he wouldn't be talking to you, he would be vacationing on the island he just bought with all the money he made in the stock market." I don't know if he was quoting someone else or if he made that up himself, but either way, that is damn good advice. In fact, that should be the litmus test for ANY professional whose advice you're relying upon:

"If this psychic was really psychic, would she be working in this run-down shack talking to me, or would she have predicted winning lottery numbers instead?"

"If my fund manager really could guarantee 30% return, would he be driving a Geo Metro to work every day?"

So my foolproof stock market advice? Let the monkey pick your stocks. I dare you to beat a 36% return!

Review of My Baseball Predictions

Last year I made a few assertions about overrated fantasy baseball players, reproduced here. I thought it would interesting to see how I fared:

"Curtis Granderson - Dude can’t hit lefties for shit and with his contact rate should not be a .302 hitter. Also, I don’t care that he’s the first player since Willie Mays or whatever to have 20 triples and 20 doubles and 20 homers or whatever. Triples and doubles aren’t a category in my league. He’s getting better though, admittedly, though don’t expect him to steal 26 bases and only get caught once this year. He’s not even really all that fast. Real nice guy though. I like his blog."

He did play slightly fewer games this year, but he indeed did not steal anywhere near 26 bases (12). He also was not a .300 hitter. He did, however, inexplicably improve against lefties and had a solid season, even if he was a little bit overvalued in drafts. Still a nice guy though. I call this one a wash.

"Alex Rios - This is not to say that Rios isn’t a good player, and he may even be a superstar. But an average draft position of around 30? Take a look at this:

Rios in 2007: .297-24-85, with 17 steals, in 161 games, age 26
72nd ADP Player: .295-24-81, with 23 steals in just 140 games, age 25.

Alex Rios drafted 40 picks before Corey Hart? I don’t think so."

Rios' production took a little tumble but was partly mitigated by a career-high 30+ steals. Hart suffered a dip in his batting average but was pretty much the same as last year otherwise. They're pretty much even in terms of overall performance, but with a 40 pick differential coming into the season, I'm comfortable calling this a hit.

"Bobby Abreu - Give up, guys. He put on an awesome show in the home run derby, but when you get right down to it, the guy has struggled to jack 20 the past two years. Even Johnny Damon blew him away in 2006, and I’ve never seen HIM in the home run derby. I have no idea why Abreu’s being drafted ahead of Nick Markakis."

As a player, I think Markakis improved from last year, but his fantasy production sure didn't. Abreu easily matched Markakis' counting stats while chipping in twice the steals. I even acquired him in one of my leagues. He's not worth the money he's getting, but that's a completely different discussion. Definitely a miss.

"BJ Upton - This guy is typically the 25th pick! You are on crack if you think he’s a surefire .300 hitter, what with his prodigiously high K rates and his prodigiously low contact rate. The guy had a BABIP of .399 last year! That is absolutely not sustainable next year. I know he has 2B eligibility, but if you’re going to play the scarcity game, take Russell Martin–who’s going with the 30th pick, on average. Upton might be very good someday, but he’ll have to iron out some flaws…don’t be the owner he irons himself out on."

I admit it didn't take Nostradamus to see that his batting average would fall, but he completely fell off the cliff in a year that was salvaged only by a sterling 44 steals. On the other hand, a lot of his lost power production was due to a balky shoulder, and his contact rate soared, walks rose, and strikeouts dropped. He'll be a star if he can reign in his swing. It just wasn't this year...hit.

"Kevin Millar - I’m just amazed anyone is looking at their roster, no matter how late in the draft, and thinking, “hey, I could really use Kevin Millar in that roster spot.” Millar’s old enough and established enough that we can pretty much write down now how valuable he’ll be in a 1B slot–not very. He’s not going to surprise you. You’d be better off taking a chance on Ryan Shealy or Brad Wilkerson."

Hopefully you took Shealy for his 20 game tear and ignored the part about Brad Wilkerson. Miss.

Final tally: 2 hit, 2 miss, 1 wash. Don't quit my day job, eh?

Oh My God, it's a...Reverse?

In honor of the football playoffs, I offer probably my #1 pet peeve (other than teams who are like, 2-13 and yet still refuse to go for it on 4th and short, especially when I have that team's players on my fantasy team): football announcers announcing a "reverse" on a play where it's not actually a reverse.

I think Dick Stockton is the absolute worst at this, but I've definitely heard Joe Buck make the mistake too. A wide receiver will break off and run across the backfield and take the handoff directly from the quarterback and keeps running, and poor senile old Dick always calls it a reverse. Sorry Dick, anyone who has played half a game of video Madden since 1993 can correctly tell you that that is not, in fact, a reverse, but an end-around.

With that said, my fearless Super Bowl prediction is: Pittsburgh vs. New York. Though I am tempted to pick the Ravens to beat the Steelers...it's a damn travesty that everyone is on their knees sucking Matt Ryan's cock when Joe Flacco has been every bit as good. Colonial Athletic Association pride forever!

Et tu, Brute?

I've written many times about how much I hate Apple products. Not because they don't work well, because they do. You know how sometimes you're using a gadget and at some point you shake your head and wonder how some stupid clunky UI choice made it past quality assurance? Well you never have moments like that with Apple, and that's some of the highest praise I can confer.

But still, mainly two things soured me on the Apple experience:

1. DRM
2. Non-replaceable batteries

I have nothing to say about DRM that hasn't already been uttered, but the non-replaceable battery thing really kills me. That is planned obsolescence at its absolute worst, and I thought people would be angrier about it than they actually are. The truth is, Apple does such a good job of innovating that people are looking forward to a reason to replace their old hardware. Still, I vowed never to buy another iPod merely on principle.

Well, needing a new music player and with my anti-Apple vow still in place, I opted to purchase a Zune last week. Now, the Zune is pretty slick in its own right, and is not lacking in great ideas of its own. One of the things I particularly like is that it has a radio (unlike every iPod ever made), and if you like a song that's playing, you can tag it and download it later from the Zune Marketplace. Very cool.

Unfortunately, my Zune refused to connect to the Marketplace anyway. And it also has non-replaceable batteries! I guess that's just the paradigm now. So I caved. I exchanged it today, for an iPod Touch. My god, that thing is smooth as butter and I love it to pieces.

I hate myself for it though.

Palo Santo Marron

So at the moment, I am drinking a bottle of Dogfish Head's Palo Santo Marron. I first read about it here in the New Yorker. The article piqued my curiosity (and latent alcoholism) but I never expected to ever see it in a store anywhere. As luck would have it, at my last visit to Whole Foods, there it was, and I knew I had to try it, despite the exorbitant price of $15 for a FOUR (yes, four, not six) pack.

Verdict: It tastes like wood. It's really bitter.

I was never really a connoisseur anyway.